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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281104">Ready to Rock</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shionz/pseuds/shionz'>shionz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tokyo Ghoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, First Meetings, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Shironeki | White-haired Kaneki Ken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:20:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>34,555</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shionz/pseuds/shionz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki’s stomach flipped, his body suddenly racked with anxiety … <i>Guitar</i>? Join their <i>band</i>? The only instrument he’d ever touched in his life was a flute in sixth grade, and he sucked at it too. How in the hell was he supposed to learn guitar and gain enough skill to play with a whole group? </p><p>“Oh my, did this just become an official band meeting?” Tsukiyama grinned.</p><p><b>Or:</b> a glimpse into the formation of Tokyo's all ghoul rock band, and how their rhythm guitarist found love along the way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise &amp; Nagachika Hideyoshi, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>85</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ready to Rock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Looking back on your past and admiring how far you’ve come, the trials and tribulations you’ve pushed through, the traumatic events that have shaped you into the person you are, can either be heartwarming or downright depressing, and for Kaneki, it used to be the latter. </p><p>Because the pain never seemed to stop. </p><p>Sometimes Kaneki was more confused than anything, because how was it even possible for all of this to happen to one person. He was either going to get the happy ending of his dreams one day for all that he’d been through, or the world was going to shove him through the wringer over and over until his death, just to stay consistent.</p><p>There was no happy ever after in sight, no goal to work towards … No one to live for. </p><p>But somehow, Kaneki still hoped.</p><p>He did. He still hoped that all of this wasn’t for nothing, that there was a reason for it all, and he really <em> did </em>have someone looking out for him and leading him in the right direction. Whoever it was must’ve been one sadistic bastard, but he hoped he was being pushed down the right path nonetheless. </p><p>Because if he didn’t, he’d probably go insane. </p><p>Anyone suffering like he had so far with no shred of hope in their body would go insane. Anyone living through the old tragedy of Kaneki Ken would go insane.</p><p>Kaneki liked to think his life became a real mess the day he mustered up the courage to ask out Rize, and he always wondered what would’ve happened if he listened to his introverted mind like always and just stayed <em> quiet </em>… Refused to make eye contact with her, refused to speak to her.</p><p>That maybe he had a good thing going for him before that and a clear plan towards a joyous and successful future, but he knew that wasn’t true either. </p><p>What person with a childhood full of abuse and nothing to turn to their whole life other than a good book and the solace of their quiet bedroom had a clear plan? His life had been rocky from the start, and the small pebbles only turned to mountains. </p><p>His situation had gone from hiding bruises so his school wouldn’t file a report on the woman he loved with all his heart, to vomiting in alleyways far from home, like the concept of not being able to consume human food was new to him, when it was the farthest thing from it. Years had gone by, but he still refused to believe it sometimes. </p><p>It’d been a particularly bad night before he met the rest of the group.</p><p>He was so weak.</p><p>Weaker than he’d been in a long time. Kaneki wasn’t sure if the suicide rates had begun dropping rapidly or what, but it was seemingly impossible to find bodies anymore. He knew any ghoul he admitted his eating habits to would laugh in his face, that he’d been seen as weak, he <em> knew </em>that, but he didn’t care.</p><p>This wasn’t something he was entirely used to yet; he didn’t grow up this way like everyone else did. It was something straight out of a horror movie in his mind, and it was a living hell. </p><p>How could anyone expect the awkward kid with no friends to suddenly be forced into a monster and be okay with it, for the transition to be smooth, and to come to terms with everything just like that. It was impossible, and he was sure it’d feel impossible for the rest of his life. </p><p>All he could taste was blood and his own vomit.</p><p>His attacker plunged their kagune straight through his stomach before Kaneki even had a chance to release his, wiping him back and forth across the grimy brick wall of the liquor store like a used rag. </p><p>The noise of the city around him seemed to dull more and more, the darkness in his vision intensifying with each passing second; all Kaneki could hear was his own wheezing, gargling as blood filled his throat. </p><p>He coughed up as much as he could and dropped his head down, spitting directly onto the clown mask grinning up at him, just so he could get at least one ‘fuck you’ in before he died. </p><p>With more force than last time, the clown pulled Kaneki away from the wall and threw him against it once more, groaning as his head slammed into the bricks behind him, his vision going blurry. </p><p>“Awfully feisty for someone so close to seeing god,” the clown chuckled, pulling back and flinging Kaneki down the alleyway. </p><p>Kaneki grunted as his body hit the concrete, skin burning as it slid against the rocks through the holes in his clothes. This place reeked of filth, mold, and blood, and with his heightened sense of smell, he felt close to vomiting again. </p><p>It took all of his strength just to get on his hands and knees, blood dripping from the back of his head, into his eyes, down his face, and onto the pavement below, mingling with the dirty puddle under him.</p><p>Maybe he wasn’t as much of a monster as he thought he was. He couldn’t even fight back.</p><p>His arms shook as they struggled under his weight, desperately trying to release his kagune, desperately trying to at least heal himself, just enough to make the bleeding stop, but it <em> wouldn’t </em> stop, and <em> nothing </em> was working; his body wasn’t <em> listening </em> to him. If only he had succumbed to his ghoul side and killed like his body craved -- maybe he wouldn’t be this fucking weak, and maybe he could get just <em> one </em>hit in, and -</p><p>This was it. He was going to die here. </p><p>He refused to kill for his own personal gain, and in the end, it was going to be the death of him. Kaneki could’ve cried right then and there.</p><p>The clown whistled obnoxiously as he walked towards Kaneki, hands in his pockets and kicking puddles as he went, like this was all just some fun game to him, like taking a life didn’t matter at all, and this was simply a way to pass the time.</p><p>Of course that’s all this was to him. Kaneki didn’t know why he was so surprised.</p><p>“Oh, c’mon,” the clown said, the pout evident in his voice as he stood in front of him, his kagune looming above, "what, you broken or something?”</p><p>“Not even gonna get me <em> once</em>?” he asked in disbelief, ending his question with a swift kick to the hole in Kaneki’s stomach.</p><p>Kaneki cried out and instinctively wrapped his arms around his torso, falling forward and pressing his face into the ground. There was no way for him to get out of this. </p><p>He may be a ghoul now, but he seemed to be just as pathetic as he was before.</p><p>Before Kaneki could even sit up again the clown grabbed him by his hair and threw him with so much intensity the wall cracked on impact, a disgusting, loud, <em> thud </em>echoing throughout the streets. </p><p>“So much for a fun night,” the clown growled. </p><p>Kaneki was barely aware of his surroundings at that point, his head pounding and his ears ringing as he struggled to stay awake, his breaths coming out as nothing but whines and wheezes. He barely even felt the pain anymore. He felt light, like he was floating away. </p><p>The ghoul trudged over to him as Kaneki slid down the wall, falling to a bloody heap. He braced himself for another hit, another stab to the stomach, another kick to the wound, but all he felt was the hit of an awful sliminess as the clown briefly lifted his mask up to spit in his face. </p><p>“Whatever,” the clown said, his voice sounding as though it were a million miles away and echoing inside Kaneki’s mind. He wasn’t sure if it was real or not. Maybe this was all just a dream.</p><p>“Bleed out then. Die slow.”</p><p>And then everything went black.</p><p>*</p><p>“Do you hear that?” </p><p>Pain. </p><p>That was all he could comprehend in that moment ... Pain. </p><p>“ … What, that dog over there?”</p><p>It was like his skull was cracked wide open and someone was trying to rip his eyes out from the inside.</p><p>He would’ve preferred death. </p><p>“A dog?!” the girl replied excitedly, “wait, no! Nevermind, you wouldn’t be able to hear it. Pretend I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“Okay, little miss super hearing …”</p><p>It must’ve been late. He was right in the city, but he couldn’t hear any cars passing -- just the voices of strangers getting closer and closer.</p><p>They were loud. Too loud.</p><p>“I still don’t hear anything … I smell something though.”</p><p>The ringing in his ears started up again, like a screaming in his head that wouldn’t stop.</p><p>“Mmm,” the girl hummed, “it smells like a … lady.”</p><p>“Yeah, I, oh-”</p><p>“Oh, wow.”</p><p>Kaneki’s ears perked up at the sound of footsteps stopping just outside the alley he was lying in, but he couldn’t even muster up the strength to open his eyes, let alone turn his head and see who was there. </p><p>“That’s not a chick, is it? Ow!” the main exclaimed when Kaneki heard what sounded like a slap.</p><p>“Should we … take him home?”</p><p>“Like he’s a stray animal?” the man guffawed, “Ayato would throw a fit.”</p><p>“So? Ayato likes me. If you said it was my idea he wouldn’t mind.”</p><p>“And then he’d throw me out a window for allowing you to follow through with that idea.”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“ … That’s true. You look all muscle, but you are pretty easy to throw around.”</p><p>“Don’t say that, I’m insecure about it!”</p><p>Kaneki could barely move a finger, wincing and groaning when he tried. He’d never felt this terrible in his life.</p><p>And he was so hungry. So so hungry. It’s like his stomach was eating itself. </p><p>He inhaled through his nose as much as his lungs would allow, his breath shaking heavily as he did so. Just as he suspected, the two next to him were ghouls too.</p><p>“We can’t just let him die here! That’s exactly what’ll happen if we don’t do anything, you know that.”</p><p>There was another brief silence before the man sighed loudly and scratched at, what Kaneki assumed was, the scruff on his face. “Ayato was right, we are little peacekeepers, huh?”</p><p>“And proud of it.” He could hear the smile in her voice.</p><p>The man grumbled annoyedly before making his way towards Kaneki’s body. It was evident just from the sound of his footsteps that he was a big guy. </p><p>“Sorry if this hurts, buddy,” was all he said before Kaneki felt himself being lifted off the ground.</p><p>He groaned at the movement his body definitely wasn’t prepared for, hearing his bones crack and his bloody shirt peel off the sidewalk. The man had one arm anchored around his shoulders and the other under his legs, and Kaneki was unsure if he really did suddenly weigh a thousand pounds or if his limbs just felt that way to himself. </p><p>Either way, he mentally apologized to the man for the inconvenience. </p><p>“We’ll get you cleaned up,” the man promised as he walked, and Kaneki hoped he didn’t expect a response out of him, because there was no way he was getting one.</p><p>“We couldn’t just leave you there,” the girl chimed in, “you got white hair and everything -- too cool lookin' to die!”</p><p>What were these two doing out so late? Why didn’t they just finish him off?</p><p>Kaneki had no clue where he was being taken, and he honestly didn’t care at that point. It was either die in the streets like the loser he was or be babied by strangers and hope whoever this Ayato person was didn’t kick his ass for showing up.</p><p>Maybe they’d feed him too; that’s all he really cared about. </p><p>The Tokyo breeze blew across his face, chilling the dried blood like ice against his skin, and Kaneki’s body jostled lightly with every step the man took. All he could do was hold in his groans, focus on the blood trickling down his face, and breathe.</p><p>Breathe ... No matter how much it hurt.</p><p>“Ayato’s gonna <em>kill </em>you for taking this guy home,” she said.</p><p>“What?!” the man spluttered, “you insisted!”</p><p>The girl just giggled. </p><p>*</p><p>Kaneki had no idea what time it was, but he knew it was finally morning. The sound of birds chirping and a patch of sunlight filtered through the window, the warmth fanning out across his face, and just for a moment, he could pretend. </p><p>Pretend that he was just a normal kid back at home, sleeping in on the weekend while his mom worked downstairs. He’d get out of bed in ten minutes or so and walk down the hallway to take a shower, and as he walked, he’d smell the breakfast his mom had just finished cooking, and a smile would stretch across his face as he hoped that maybe today would be a good day.</p><p>He kept his eyes closed as he stretched out on the bed, putting his arms above his head and yawning as he relished in the feeling of soft blankets and fluffed pillows. There was a dull ache in his stomach for some reason, but it wasn’t terrible.</p><p>He turned his head and nuzzled his face against the pillow. It’s scent was unfamiliar, but Kaneki’s brain didn’t register it much at the moment. He was comfortable for once, feeling almost … cozy … for the first time in years.</p><p>He sighed and brought his arm up to cover his eyes, trying to block out the streak of sunlight as much as he could. He could do with another hour of sleep or so. </p><p>Then he heard shouting outside of the room and the illusion was shattered in an instant. </p><p>Kaneki shot up in bed as flashes from the night before played in his head. He wasn’t home, <em> this </em> wasn’t his home, this wasn’t his <em> room</em>. Clown, blood, pain, so much pain, voices … Someone carried him away. Where was he? </p><p>He felt his kagune instinctively push against the underside of his skin, threatening to shoot out at any moment to protect himself now that he was strong enough -- now that he was able to stop something like last night from happening ever again.</p><p>He gripped the sheets until his knuckles turned white, turning his head every which way to check if he was truly alone, or if there was someone lurking in the shadows waiting for him. </p><p>He forced his breathing to slow down and loosened his grip slightly as he assessed his surroundings. There was no one else in there. He was sure of it. He was okay for now.</p><p>The room was dim but he could tell the walls were painted a dark blue; they were fairly blank, but some were covered in posters for bands and movies he’d never heard of. There was a pile of dirty laundry in the corner by the door, and a TV on a dresser littered with what looked like crumpled paper and a set of drumsticks.</p><p>No hidden ghouls. Not even a single weapon; nothing sketchy. That was good at least. It gave him the impression that whoever’s room this was wasn’t a very threatening person, and that put him a little at ease.</p><p>The shouting continued and Kaneki’s pulse jumped, turning his head to face the door.</p><p>Ayato.</p><p>He remembered that name … The ghouls who took him home said someone would be pissed about it, and Kaneki had a feeling that’s exactly who that was.</p><p>Kaneki sighed and tightened his grip on the blankets again. </p><p>He knew it was stupid, but he felt guilty for being there. He didn’t ask to be rescued, and he didn’t ask to be brought into a home where he clearly wasn’t wanted. He’d had enough of that as a kid anyways. He didn’t want to feel like a burden all over again.</p><p>He felt the urge to apologize. He should, shouldn’t he? Apologize for taking up space, for making people angry, for not being able to take care of himself the previous night. It was his own fault anyways.</p><p>He groaned and pushed the covers down to the foot of the bed, noticing his shirt from the night before was missing and there wasn’t a single trace of blood on him.</p><p>Oh god, did they give him a shower while he was passed out? So not only was he taking up space, but they had to go through the trouble of <em> cleaning </em>him too.</p><p>He cringed at the thought of strangers washing off his grossly pale, limp body and forced himself to get out of bed. The wooden floor was cold under his feet as he shuffled across the room, making his way to the door, but having no idea what his plan was once he reached it.</p><p>He gently pressed his ear to it for a better listen, bracing himself for something like a knife or a body to come crashing through the wall, because he knew how quickly an argument between ghouls could escalate; he was extra careful not to put too much weight on the door so it wouldn’t creak.</p><p>“You’re insane!” someone shouted. Kaneki noted it was a different voice than the one he’d heard before in the alleyway.</p><p>“Ayato, he was in really rough shape. He would’ve died if we didn’t bring him back.”</p><p>That was a voice he recognized. The girl.</p><p>“So fucking what?! Ghouls die. People die. That’s what happens. If he couldn’t even fight back to save himself, maybe it was just his time to go. Don’t bring strangers into my goddamn house.”</p><p>That one stung, but Kaneki knew it was true to an extent. He wasn’t cut out for any of this, and he seemed to only be causing problems so far. Hunting for corpses in other ghouls territories without realizing it, starting fights without meaning to, being brought into homes where he wasn’t welcome. </p><p>The whole human population would categorize him as a ghoul now, but he was still human too, and that small detail seemed to bring him nothing but suffering so far. Maybe it <em> was </em>just his time to go, and those two unfortunately intervened. Kaneki wasn’t meant to live a life like this. He couldn’t. He knew that. </p><p>He needed to apologize. </p><p>He took a deep breath and held it as he slowly turned the handle and cracked the door open, just poking half of his face out. He’d hate to make some grand entrance during such a heated discussion. </p><p>To Kaneki’s surprise, there were more than just the two of them out there. He expected to see Ayato and the girl alone having a standoff in the living room since they were the only ones bickering, but unexpectedly, there were four. </p><p>One was sitting with his legs crossed and a book caressed in his hand, a smirk stretched across his face, and his purple hair pulled back in a small, messy bun. He didn’t seem bothered by the argument in the slightest, in fact, he seemed more entertained than anything. </p><p>“<em>Our </em> house,” he corrected, his smirk growing when Ayato whipped around to scowl at him.</p><p>“Shut it, freak,” Ayato fumed.</p><p>The stranger just chuckled and turned his head, Kaneki feeling his heart sink when the man’s eyes landed on him for a brief second before glancing away, widening, and then cutting back to do a double take. </p><p>His face broke out in a grin that Kaneki assumed was supposed to be charming, but came off as nothing but unsettling instead. He felt his skin crawl the more he stared at the guy.</p><p>“The sleeping beauty has risen from his slumber!” he shouted and loudly slammed his book shut. </p><p>Kaneki recoiled at the sound. Maybe this was a bad idea. He should’ve stayed in bed. </p><p>“What are you … Oh,” Ayato said flatly as he turned around to face where everyone was staring, “there he is. The pussy ghoul.”</p><p>“The … huh?” Kaneki had been called a lot of things in his life, but that was a new one. </p><p>He felt like his face was on fire the second he stepped out of the safety of his room, shutting the door behind him and awkwardly wringing his hands behind his back to keep them busy.</p><p>He’d always hated being the center of attention and felt seconds away from just dropping dead right there -- especially when he remembered he was still shirtless. It was like one of those nightmares where you show up to school naked and everyone in the gym laughs at you. </p><p>Ayato shrugged and the corners of his lips turned up slightly. “Heard you smell like a chick.”</p><p>“Kaneki!” the girl exclaimed and shoved Ayato before skipping over to him. Ayato flailed and fell backwards into the lap of the big dude on the couch. “You’re awake!” she smiled. </p><p>Kaneki huffed out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his neck. The girl looked around sixteen, quite a bit shorter than himself, and stared up at him with wide eyes and a huge smile, like she’d known him forever. How did she get stuck hanging around an asshole like Ayato?</p><p>“I only woke up a few minutes ago … Kinda forgot where I was to be honest, and all the yelling freaked me out. Uh … How do you know my name?” Did they rummage through his wallet for an ID? </p><p>“You told us last night when Banjou and I gave you a bath!” she replied, “you probably don’t remember that though. We kept asking you questions to make sure you weren’t dead.” </p><p>“You let him use our bath?!” Ayato shouted, still on, who Kaneki assumed was, Banjou’s lap. He didn’t look happy about it. </p><p>So Kaneki’s fear was confirmed, they did give him one. He cringed at the warmth he felt spread across his cheeks. </p><p>“Don’t get your panties in a twist. It’s not like he’s diseased,” Banjou replied. He nervously glanced over at Kaneki. “Right?” </p><p>“I don’t think so?” That obviously didn’t help Ayato’s worries. It looked like his eyes were about to pop out of his skull. </p><p>“Great!” the girl chirped. </p><p>Kaneki anxiously glanced over at the purple haired man still sitting in his chair, eyes locked on Kaneki, and unusually quiet. Kaneki quickly broke eye contact. </p><p>He didn’t know how he felt about this place. </p><p>“Do you ... have anywhere to say?” Banjou asked uncomfortably, like he wasn’t sure if this was something Kaneki wanted to discuss or not, “I asked you last night if you wanted us to take you back home, and you said you didn’t have one.” </p><p>Kaneki must’ve been more messed up than he thought he was, because he had zero recollection of any of these conversations. He really hoped he didn’t say anything too embarrassing, like he was drunk off his ass at a party, crying about how much he loved his friends while they gave him a bath, and then didn’t remember it the next day. </p><p>It was true though. Kaneki didn’t have a home. The second he’d found out who he was, <em> what </em>he was, and was released from the hospital, he booked it. There was no way in hell he’d be able to carry on with life like nothing changed and keep up the same old routine, so the obvious answer was to run. It wasn’t like anybody would miss him. He barely knew anyone.</p><p>He’d been sleeping in alleyways and cheap hotels ever since, just barely scraping by. He didn’t mind too much. It sucked at times, but it seemed like the only possible way for him to live anymore, like he wasn’t allowed to go back to a normal life -- wasn’t worthy of one anymore. </p><p>“I kinda just … sleep wherever,” he replied vaguely, scratching at his arms, “I don’t have a set home or anything. I left mine a while ago.”</p><p>“So, it’s settled!” the girl said, clapping her hands together, “you’ll stay with us.”</p><p>Kaneki’s breath hitched and Ayato made a sound similar to that of a dying goose. “N-no, that’s okay, really. Thank you, but I’ve gotten by just fine for this long. I can keep it up,” he rushed out.</p><p>He already felt bad enough staying one night, the last thing he’d accept was a move-in invite.</p><p>The girl rolled her eyes. “After what happened last night, we’re a little hesitant to release you back into the wild,” she giggled, “plus, we like helping people! You don’t have a place to stay, we have a pull-out couch … Makes sense,” she shrugged.</p><p>Kaneki felt his heart race at the offer. He knew not every ghoul was heartless, not every ghoul was out for blood and ready to rip out the throats of those who got in their way, but he’d never actually met any that <em> weren’t </em>like that.</p><p>He felt like the runt of the ghoul world, rejected by everybody for the compassion he still clung to, and suddenly being in the presence of those who were the same way had him feeling almost ... uncomfortable -- weirdly emotional. </p><p>“Speak for yourself, Hinami!” Ayato sprung up from the couch, eyes blazing. “God, you guys are a bunch of fuckin’ hippies. He’s not <em> moving in</em>.”</p><p>“Ooooh, <em> hippies</em>,” the purple haired man sighed in wonder and rested his chin in his palm.</p><p>“Yes, he is,” Hinami whined, looking back and forth between everyone, “right, Banjou? Back me up here.”</p><p>Banjou stared back like a deer in headlights. “I mean … uh … K- … Tsukiyama, what do you think?” </p><p>“Oh god, don’t engage him,” Ayato groaned. </p><p>“<em>I </em> think,” Tsukiyama drawled, moving forward in his seat, “dear Kaneki would fit right in with our sweet little family.” </p><p>Kaneki fidgeted in place, no longer sure what to do with his hands as everybody discussed … <em> him</em>. He wished they’d stop arguing about it. If everyone in the house wasn’t a hundred percent for it, he didn’t want to move in. He didn’t want to have to tiptoe around others in a place he was supposed to consider his own home, knowing they secretly hated him. </p><p>“Alright, there we go. We all agree it’s fine for him to move in. Guess you're the odd one out, Ayato!” Hinami proclaimed with a proud grin. </p><p>“Wait-” Banjou and Kaneki objected in unison, “I don’t really <em> agree</em>,” Banjou said, anxiously scratching his goatee. </p><p>Ayato’s eyebrows shot up and he looked down at Banjou with hopeful eyes. “... Well, no, I guess I do,” he blanched, and then the look was gone as fast as it’d come.</p><p>“Pathetic,” he grumbled. Kaneki thought if Ayato were a cartoon, he’d have smoke coming out of his ears.</p><p>The argument had come to a standstill at that point, no one quite sure where to go from there. Most of them agreed, but Ayato’s persistent anger seemed to be getting in the way of making a solid decision. Kaneki would admit the thought of having a guaranteed place to sleep and the promise of no more lonely nights was rather appealing, but not if he was going to have someone staring daggers at him at all times.</p><p>Memories of his aunt screaming at him the second he got back from school flooded his mind, making him feel terrible for simply existing after promising him he was welcome in their family and safe in their home -- when he was really the farthest thing from it. He felt his hands begin to tremble.</p><p>What if this was just a repeat of his awful childhood? The universe’s way of throwing him right back into the cycle of empty promises and false hopes? He couldn’t relive that again. He couldn’t. </p><p>Kaneki licked his lips, working up the courage to finally speak. “I think … this is <em> your </em>home, so your comfort is top priority. Even if just one of you doesn’t want me around, I’ll go somewhere else. I’d hate to impose.”</p><p>There was a thoughtful silence. </p><p>Ayato’s gaze was locked on the carpet and his frown somehow grew more intense than it was before. Banjou’s eyes shot around nervously, clearly hoping he didn’t have to be the one to speak first.</p><p>“Oh, <em> Kaneki</em>,” Hinami finally said, her eyes softening, “we-”</p><p>“He can stay,” Ayato cut her off.</p><p>It felt like a wave of shock rushed through the room and everyone turned their heads to face him. Tsukiyama gasped and folded his hands together. “Did the little birdie have a change of heart?”</p><p>Kaneki’s chest tightened. He hoped his agreement wasn’t just out of pity or from feeling backed into a corner, though Ayato seemed like the last person to be so easily persuaded.</p><p>“Are you sure? Because I-”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear it. I said you could stay, didn’t I?” Ayato muttered.</p><p>“It didn’t sound very convincing …” Kaneki replied.</p><p>He sighed. “Whatever. Sorry I don’t sound as happy go lucky as Mr. Man Bun over there.” Tsukiyama pouted in the corner. “But if you’re gonna stick around, you need to be useful somehow.”</p><p>Kaneki looked at him curiously, silently urging him to continue. Hinami just looked confused.</p><p>If Ayato wanted him to be useful, he would be. It’s the least he could do when it was obvious agreeing to letting him stay was so hard. If Kaneki needed to clean the house everyday, do the laundry, whatever, he’d do it. </p><p>“Be our new guitarist.”</p><p>“Huh?” Hinami and Banjou perked up.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ayato continued, crossing his arms over his chest, “if you’re gonna take up space in here, you need to help out. Like Hinami said … 'We' like helping people, we have a pull-out couch … We have a band, we need a rhythm guitarist,” he smirked. </p><p>Kaneki’s stomach flipped, his body suddenly racked with anxiety … <em>Guitar</em>? Join their <em> band</em>? The only instrument he’d ever touched in his life was a flute in sixth grade, and he sucked at it too. How in the hell was he supposed to learn guitar and gain enough skill to play with a whole group? </p><p>“Oh my, did this just become an official band meeting?” Tsukiyama grinned.</p><p>“I don’t know the first thing about guitar. I-I’ve never even held one before!” Kaneki exclaimed.</p><p>Ayato shrugged nonchalantly. “I can teach you. Rhythm’s pretty easy anyway.”</p><p>Hinami reached over and tugged on Ayato’s sleeve, frowning at him. “You can’t just force him to be in our band, Ayato. Music isn’t everyone’s thing.”</p><p>“Yeah I can. I just did. Plus, we need another guitarist, like, right fuckin’ now. Uta’s expecting us to come record in a week and that’s not enough time for me to practice what I have <em> and </em>learn what that Naki asshole had written before he dipped out on us,” he scowled. </p><p>“He’s right … We need someone to be able to play the other guitar parts during shows too,” Banjou mumbled, chewing on his nail.</p><p>Kaneki gulped … Shows? As in playing in front of a ton of people? Kaneki’s never been much of a social butterfly, he’s sure that’s obvious, so he’d only gone to a few shows in his life. From what he remembered, they were overcrowded, sweaty, and obnoxiously loud. </p><p>Maybe he’d be able to appreciate the chaos a little more now that he’d … changed so much … but the thought of being on stage with all eyes on him made him feel weak in the knees. </p><p>“You sure you really want me to be a <em> guitarist</em>? Can I not just be the … sound tech guy?” </p><p>Ayato snorted.</p><p>“Don’t fret, Kaneki,” Tsukiyama cooed and twirled a loose strand of hair around his finger, “we’ll all be here to help you along the way.”</p><p>He still felt far from reassured, like life was throwing him one curve-ball after the other while he tried with everything he had not to get hit in the face.</p><p>“What do you do in the band?” he asked Tsukiyama. He needed to buy some time as he came to a decision he was at least somewhat sure of.</p><p>“<em>Moi</em>?” he grinned and pressed his hand to his chest, “why, I’m the glorious frontman.”</p><p>“Obviously,” Ayato scoffed, “a guy like him could never handle being in the background.”</p><p>“Not for a second,” he winked.</p><p>Kaneki thought that was fitting. Of course the one with bright purple hair and the presence of Tokyo’s biggest star was the lead in a band. He’d only just met him, but he couldn’t picture Tsukiyama being anything else. </p><p>“I’m lead guitar, Hinami’s on bass, Banjou’s on drums … and now you’re on rhythm. My right hand man … Right?” Ayato asked, his stare piercing.</p><p>Kaneki sighed and nervously picked at the skin around his fingernails. It was either this, or sleep on the streets again. Learn a few guitar chords, or freeze all alone in the middle of the city. Play at some bars, or risk being brutally attacked by a sadist in a clown mask a second time. </p><p>It seemed like he didn’t have much of a choice at that point, but maybe it’d be good for him, to finally be surrounded by people and pull himself out of the depths of loneliness he’d grown accustomed to. To experience something new in life that wouldn’t get him killed for once.</p><p>He cracked his knuckles. “Okay … I’ll do it.”</p><p>Tsukiyama stood up in triumph, arms above his head. “Welcome to the family! Band meeting adjourned!” </p><p>*</p><p>After everything that happened that morning, the last thing Kaneki expected was to be washing dishes that same night with Ayato.</p><p>“It’ll be a sweet little bonding experience for the six string duo,” Tsukiyama had insisted, lightly grabbing onto Kaneki’s shoulders and pushing him into the kitchen no matter how hard Kaneki tried to dig his heels in. </p><p>Then he was elbows deep in soapy water and awkward conversation.</p><p>“Why do you guys … have dishes anyways?” Kaneki mumbled, scrubbing away at the crimson stains on pure, white ceramic. Some of them were surprisingly hard to get off.</p><p>Ayato shrugged, lazily wiping off a fork and chucking it onto the drying rack. “Tsukiyama and Hinami like to eat off of them sometimes -- Tsukiyama because he’s a pretentious fuck, and Hinami because she likes to pretend to be normal, I guess.” </p><p>If Tsukiyama heard the comment from the living room, he didn’t mention it. </p><p>Kaneki stilled for a moment before continuing. “She is normal,” he said, “her eating habits may be different to a human’s, but she’s only doing what she has to to survive … It’s her body’s normal. It doesn’t mean she’s weird.”</p><p>Kaneki didn’t know why he felt such a strong urge to defend the girl, he hardly knew her, but he did. No matter how ridiculous he sounded while doing it.</p><p>Of course ghouls were ‘weird’ (disgusting, horrifying), but he hated to admit it. Especially when it seemed like Hinami was clinging to as many little things as she could to feel better about the situation.</p><p>Ayato grabbed the plate from Kaneki and stared at him in disbelief, or more like he thought Kaneki was the biggest idiot in the world. “Uhuh, whatever you say, pussy ghoul.”</p><p>Kaneki cringed. “Please, stop calling me that.”</p><p>“Mmmm, maybe once you get out of my house,” Ayato mused. </p><p>“Thought you needed a guitarist?”</p><p>“I can find someone else.”</p><p>“Then do it.”</p><p>Ayato stopped to glare at him before turning back to the sink without a word. </p><p>Kaneki couldn’t help but smile.</p><p>*</p><p>The very next day was Kaneki’s first guitar lesson, and it was also the day his band inevitably found out the one thing that made Kaneki a little different from the rest. </p><p>The first thing he’d woken up to that morning was an excited Hinami hovering over his face, and he had to refrain from his reflexes taking over and throwing her off the couch. She was grateful he didn’t. </p><p>“C’mon, I have stuff to show you before Ayato comes out here!” she exclaimed, bouncing up and down on the squeaky futon.</p><p>Kaneki groaned and pressed his palms against his eyes. “It can’t wait?”</p><p>“Of course it can.” She jumped off the mattress and onto the floor, spinning gracefully in his direction. “But, I’m awake now and so are you, so why not?” she smiled.</p><p>Kaneki stared at her for a moment with bleary eyes, still not fully registering what was happening as his brain tried to drag him back to sleep. He didn’t even know what time it was and he was hoping he could sleep all the way up until his guitar lesson, that way he didn’t have to think about it all morning as anxiety ate away at him.</p><p>Hinami just stood there not saying a word, hands behind her back and bouncing on her feet, like if she finally did jump off the ground she’d go flying straight through the roof.</p><p>He huffed out a tired laugh. “Fine,” he mumbled, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, “show me.” </p><p>Then she grabbed onto his arm and took off running.</p><p>That’s how he found himself on the floor of Hinami’s bedroom, clad in Ayato’s sweatpants and Banjou’s too-big band tee, looking through the many notebooks she’d filled up throughout the years. It turned out the exciting things she wanted to show him were just all of the lyrics and bass parts she’d written since she joined the band.</p><p>“What do you mean <em> ‘just’</em>?” She put her hands on her hips. “If you’re gonna be a part of this, you need to know how we work -- what we’re like.” </p><p>That was true. Kaneki didn’t know anything about lyrics or instruments, which is why he was so confused at Ayato wrangling him into this mess. Sure, he loved reading, it’s all he ever did, really, but writing was a whole different game -- writing lyrics, especially. He could write a decent short story if given a prompt, but writing a poetic three minute song about whatever he wanted? That wasn’t exactly his forte.</p><p>Hinami, on the other hand, was amazing at it. </p><p>He stared in awe as his eyes raked over the inked words, short verses and simple choruses somehow creating a bigger story in his head than most novels ever could. She may have been young, and a bassist, but she was an incredible lyricist -- with an obvious passion for dark imagery and depressing themes too. Maybe he’d ask her about that later.</p><p>Some pages were full of bass tabs that didn’t make sense to him yet, but he smiled at the little doodles in the corners of each page. A heart here, a guitar there, an angry Ayato face on one side, and a smiling Tsukiyama in a flower crown on the other. </p><p>“You like it?” she asked, scooting towards him on her knees as she had her nose shoved in another book.</p><p>Kaneki looked up in surprise, tearing his eyes away from the page. “L-<em>like </em> it? Hinami, this is amazing. How old are you again?”</p><p>She slowly brought the book down and held it at her side. “Sixteen! I’m the baby of the band. That's why they put me on bass. It’s really easy to learn, but I ended up helping them out a lot more than they thought I would,” she giggled, “Tsukiyama and I like to write lyrics together.”</p><p>“Do you guys always write such depressing lyrics?” he asked curiously.</p><p>He immediately regretted asking when he was met with nothing but silence at first. She went quiet for a moment, seemingly trying to come up with the perfect answer, but Kaneki didn’t want to push her to continue.</p><p>“It’s a depressing world,” she finally said. </p><p>“But it’s an aggressive one too,” she continued, “and it makes people mad -- it makes <em> us </em>mad. If you just sit with it, it’ll drive you crazy. So, we started a band to get it all out. It gives us a place to scream about it.”</p><p>“I think I get it,” Kaneki replied. No, he totally got it. </p><p>It was the same reason he was constantly on the hunt for new books, more so when he was younger. It was an outlet, it was a release, it was a distraction; a way for him to deal with his fucked up life without breaking completely. </p><p>But maybe Kaneki was done dealing with his problems quietly like he used to. Things were different now. A whole lot different. Maybe he needed this chance to scream. </p><p>“I think you do too,” she smiled.</p><p>*</p><p>“Alright, now slide up one again. No, like, to your left. Okay, now keep your middle finger up like that,” Ayato said, displaying what Kaneki should be doing on his own guitar so he could follow along. </p><p>Kaneki clumsily slid his fingers along the neck where Ayato instructed, feeling the strings dig into his skin and the pull at his fingers as they desperately tried to curl in instead of staying in one stiff position.</p><p>Kaneki loved to learn new things, he did, but he also had the tendency to feel incredibly embarrassed while being taught. He ducked his head low and felt his face get hot as he played through the chorus a little faster along with Ayato -- not sliding over far enough, making the frets buzz, hitting the wrong string; he felt like an idiot.</p><p>Ayato wasn’t exactly the best teacher either, and Kaneki should’ve expected that, but it didn’t make it any less irritating. </p><p>“You’re doing fine. Don’t worry,” Ayato muttered. He was obviously uncomfortable saying anything positive to him.</p><p>Kaneki huffed and sat up, moving his hair out of his eyes as he tried to compose himself. Maybe he would’ve felt more comfortable if the entire band wasn’t sitting in the living room with them, witnessing all of Kaneki’s major fuckups. </p><p>“Everything will get easier with a little practice,” Tsukiyama hummed and reached out to strum the guitar with his finger from where he sat on the floor, “you’ll be rockin' the stage in no time, <em> mon chéri</em>.”</p><p>Kaneki cringed at the pet name and sighed loudly. Of course that was easy for <em> him </em>to say. All Tsukiyama had to do in the band was open his mouth and make noise, and that seemed to be a fairly easy task for him to handle.</p><p>Ayato frowned as Tsukiyama traced along the body of the instrument; he was clearly very protective over his guitars. “I’ll let you use this one today, but if you scratch it, I’ll kill everyone you love,” he told Kaneki before their lesson as he handed over a shiny, black electric guitar.</p><p>“Okay, now I’ll teach you the bridge, which is completely different from everything you just learned.”</p><p>Kaneki groaned and slumped over. He definitely wasn’t cut out for this band thing. His hands already ached and the last verses and choruses he’d just learned were already fuzzy in his head. </p><p>“Shouldn’t you be teaching me how to read like … sheet music or something?” Kaneki was pretty sure that to play music you had to know how to read it, right? He thought back to the numbers and lines in Hinami’s journals, which were apparently different from sheet music, but seemed just as confusing. </p><p>Ayato snorted. “No one in punk rock reads fuckin’ sheet music. Just follow my lead,” he grumbled.</p><p>“That’d take too long anyways,” Banjou said, idly scrolling through the TV guide, “you can learn <em> tabs </em>later, but learning by ear and watching Ayato should be fine for now. You got this.”</p><p>“Thanks, Banjou,” Kankei mumbled, mindlessly strumming the E string. Banjou just smiled and smacked a reassuring hand down against his back a little too hard.</p><p>It was too much at once. Ever since the Rize incident, Kaneki found it a little harder to keep his temper, and it was obvious. He felt the weight of his band mates stares boring into him as he followed Ayato’s steps, as he fumbled across the neck, as he paused in the wrong spots, as his skin felt like it was burning up with every mistake he made.</p><p>The pressure of knowing he had to be in a recording studio in just a couple weeks, eventually being on a stage, and that if he didn’t get this right, it was back to the streets for him, was too much. It was stupid, but it just was.</p><p>“No, you’re playing too fast. Slow down a little.”</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>They’d been going at it for two hours. His head hurt.</p><p>“Wait, move that finger.”</p><p>“Which finger?”</p><p>And the pain shot down from the back of his head to his left eye like an electric shock.</p><p>“That one.”</p><p>“Which one?”</p><p>“That one right <em> there</em>.”</p><p>He was sweating. He couldn’t do this.</p><p>“Which <em> one</em>?”</p><p>“God, you’re playing too fast again, slow down!”</p><p>Kaneki dropped his pick to the floor and put his head down, pressing his fingers into his eyes. “I can’t do this!”</p><p>His head pulsed. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, like maybe if he looked down it wouldn’t be inside his body at all, but right in his lap. </p><p>“Whoa, hey, it’s okay. If you need to take a break just-”  Banjou stopped the second Kaneki moved his hands away, and he knew immediately what had happened. </p><p>It’s why when he tried to slip back into a normal routine for a few days after the operation, he wore that stupid thing across his face. The thing that made him stick out like a sore thumb, but not in any way worse than he would’ve without it. He had no control over it, and still didn’t, apparently.  </p><p>A tense silence filled the room, all of them staring as if he’d grown a second head. Kaneki slowly brought a hand up to his eye, just to double check, as if he needed to, feeling the thin, red veins that flared out over his temple and just down his cheek.</p><p>This was it. This was the moment where they kicked him out. He wasn’t one of them at all. He was half of the species that wanted their kind massacred. Too human to be ghoul, too ghoul to be human. He truly didn’t have a place in this world anymore, and it felt like the heaviest weight in existence was resting right on Kaneki’s shoulders.</p><p>“Uh-” Kaneki jumped as Tsukiyama cut him off with a scream like a schoolgirl, reaching out to touch Kaneki’s face and tugging him forward. </p><p>His nose scrunched up as the frontman stared directly into his kakugan, definitely getting too close for comfort. “Y-you…”</p><p>“He’s a fucking one eye,” Ayato said in disbelief, “I didn’t think those actually existed.”</p><p>Kaneki knew one eyed ghouls had to be rare, but that was the first time he’d ever heard it confirmed by somebody else. He assumed that was the case the first few times he got in a fight; the way ghouls seemed to take an immediate step back or falter the second they looked into Kaneki’s eyes. He knew there had to be a reason for that, and he was pretty sure he knew exactly what it was.</p><p>“Well,” Kaneki blanched, pulling Tsukiyama’s hands off his face and smacking them away when he tried to reach out again, “I’m pretty sure I exist.”</p><p>“You look so cool!” Hinami shouted, now front and center on the floor, “look at me!” Kaneki stiffened, suddenly feeling like an exotic animal in a zoo exhibit, but obliged anyway.</p><p>“<em>Whoaaaaaa</em>,” her and the frontman said in unison.</p><p>“What a beautiful creature … living in our home!” Tsukiyama exclaimed.</p><p>“Way to make him feel weird, Shuu,” Banjou frowned. Tsukiyama just shrugged nonchalantly and rested his face on Kaneki’s knee, breathing in the scent through his clothes like the weirdo he was.</p><p>“Well, you can calm the hell down and put that thing away. You weren’t doing <em> that </em>bad,” Ayato rolled his eyes and picked up his guitar, preparing to play the first chord.</p><p>Kaneki’s head snapped in his direction. “Y-you mean … you’re not gonna kick me out?”</p><p>Ayato squinted at him. “If we kicked out everybody who was a little weird, we wouldn’t have a band at all.”</p><p>Kaneki blushed. He spoke as though that should’ve been obvious, and he was a dumbass for not knowing, but he still felt like he didn’t belong there. Not because they didn’t make him feel welcome, he truly felt like he was already a part of some freaky family, but because he still wasn’t totally … like them.</p><p>“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Hinami smiled, like she was reading his mind, “you’re stuck with us now anyways.”</p><p>Kaneki returned the smile and reached down to squeeze her hand.</p><p>“Yeah, so suck it up,” Ayato grumbled, “and get your pick off the floor. I don’t want to go out to buy more just because you lost all of them in the carpet.”</p><p>“Right!” Kaneki quickly bent down to pick it up, suddenly more ready to play than ever.</p><p>“Right,” Ayato repeated, “now … the bridge.” </p><p>*</p><p>“I’m gonna throw up. I’m serious … Stop laughing!”</p><p>Hinami covered her mouth and shuffled over to the couch to grab her bass. </p><p>It was finally the night of the band’s first show together with their new guitarist, and the energy was high ... At least for Kaneki anyway. This would be his first time on stage since he was the star in the school play as a child, and he felt close to collapsing any second. </p><p>“God, will somebody shut him up already?” Ayato groaned, “if another word comes out of his mouth, my head might explode.”</p><p>“I could put my boot in his mouth,” Uta offered as he picked at his nails. He was only there to make sure all of the equipment was set up correctly, but insisted on hanging out in the dressing room too.  </p><p>“Please don’t.” Uta made him incredibly nervous for some reason. If he got close enough to put his boot in Kaneki’s mouth, he might just shrivel up and die.</p><p>“Wait, should I wear a gloss?” Ayato asked aloud, cutting through his anxious thoughts, “no, nevermind. Gloss is gross.”</p><p>“You should give it to Kaneki if you’re not going to use it. It’d make him look <em> irresistibly </em>pouty,” Tsukiyama said.</p><p>Ayato shot him a disgusted look. “ … Freak.”</p><p>Kaneki continued frantically pacing around the dressing room instead of responding, feeling like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs no matter how hard he tried. His stage outfit definitely wasn’t helping either; Kaneki had never worn something so tight in his life.</p><p>The room offered to them that night was small and stuffy with dingy overhead lighting, casting a dirty yellow hue over everybody in it, but it wasn’t the most rundown place Kaneki had ever seen. The only decent lights in there surrounded the vanity that was occupied by Ayato and Tsukiyama, the table covered in an array of makeup brushes, eyeliner, and lipsticks. </p><p>He eventually forced his pacing to stop and nervously made his way over to it to check his reflection, nudging Ayato over with his foot and only receiving an elbow to the stomach in return.</p><p>“I was here first, pussy ghoul.”</p><p> Kaneki sighed and made do with half of the mirror instead.</p><p>He messed with his hair a little, which was slightly teased thanks to Hinami, moving his bangs out of his face, back over it, and pushed back once again. He was about to ask his band mates if he looked okay, but decided against it. </p><p>That was an embarrassing question, and they seemed busy anyways. Tsukiyama was so close to the mirror he could kiss his reflection, smudging eyeliner under his lower lashline, and Ayato was carefully outlining his lips in black, creating some sort of gradient.</p><p>Kaneki wasn’t one to dress up, he’d never even worn makeup before, but it seemed like a must if he wanted to be in the band. Hinami had sat him down and back combed his hair the tiniest bit, rimmed his eyes with the blackest eyeliner she could find, applied a light coat of mascara, and then finished the look off with a cherry red lipstick.</p><p>“Beautiful!” Hinami shouted once they were done.</p><p>In all honesty, he felt pretty cute, but he’d never tell anyone else that.</p><p>His outfit on the other hand was picked out by Tsukiyama. He seemed to be the one in charge of all of those. </p><p>Kaneki’s was a long-sleeved latex top with the shoulders and back cut out (cut <em> very </em> low) -- “<em>What</em>? Give the crowd a little show!” Kaneki could hear the singer’s voice in his head -- paired with ripped black jeans, two studded belts stacked on top of each other, combat boots, and some fingerless gloves. </p><p>Oh, and a leather eye patch … Tsukiyama said it looked cool.</p><p>Ayato was clad in a ripped Motörhead tee, a leather jacket, and skinny jeans, Hinami in some sort of cloak dress and fishnets with the hood up, Banjou in a plain black muscle tee and some faux leather pants, and Tsukiyama was, of course, in a suit, though this time it was velvet black with a dark red undershirt. </p><p>Kaneki never thought he’d be a part of a group like this one day, but he definitely felt like he had the look down, and if anybody ever asked to see the most stereotypical image of a rock band, he’d make sure to just round up everyone in the room.</p><p>He tapped his fingers against the table and fiddled with a tube of mascara to keep his hands busy. “It’s fine, I got this, I can do this, I’ve been practicing …,” Kaneki mumbled.</p><p>“He’s talking to himself,” Ayato said to the singer, “will you work your weird guy magic or something and make him chill the fuck out?”</p><p>“Hush,” Tsukiyama replied, picking up a sparkly eyeshadow palette, “an artist is at work here.”</p><p>Kaneki turned and leaned against the vanity, chest heaving. “What if I pass out on stage? Is it punk rock to pass out on stage?”</p><p>“I think throwing up would be more punk rock,” Banjou answered as he drummed against his knees. </p><p>He would keep that in mind.</p><p>His anxiety was unbearable at that point. It pulsed through his entire body until his legs felt like jelly and his hands were sweating, the sound of the crowd outside pouring in every time a sound guy came and went. But he knew he’d have to face his fears at some point, and that only made the feeling so much worse. </p><p>The venue was bigger than he expected, not massive, but definitely bigger. When Kaneki heard they did shows, his first thought was they were a small garage band type deal; maybe one that performed in front of fifty people twice a month at a dive bar for some extra rent money. He did not, however, expect them to be playing in front of about four hundred people, regularly, and with a somewhat devoted fanbase.</p><p>The thought alone of that many people staring up at him made a wave of nausea hit him once again and he instinctively tightened his grip on the table.</p><p>“Just take deep breaths,” Hinami said calmly, turning the tuning pegs on her bass, “once you’re about halfway through the first song, I promise all the anxiety goes away. Trust me, playing on stage for a crowd like that is one of the best feelings you’ll ever experience.” </p><p>“She’s right. Having all those eyes on you is like a drug,” Tsukiyama purred and stood up from his seat.</p><p>“I think you’re just an attention whore,” Ayato quipped. </p><p>Banjou laughed. Tsukiyama didn’t. </p><p>“Five minutes,” Uta called, poking his head back into the dressing room, “instruments out first, Shuu last,” and then he was gone, sucked back into the sea of noise coming from the main floor. </p><p>“Oh my god,” Kaneki whined, practically moving on autopilot as he walked across the room for his guitar. Five minutes. <em> Five minutes</em>.</p><p>He turned to face his band mates, all doing some variation of warm-ups: stretches, jumping up and down, tuning their instruments. Maybe they were all just as nervous as he was and didn’t want to admit it.</p><p>Three minutes.</p><p>“We should get going,” Hinami whispered and nudged him towards the door. He swallowed hard and nodded, making his way over and holding it open for the rest of the group; they probably had a better internal layout of the venue than he did.  </p><p>The walk to the side of the stage felt like it was in slow motion, a million years passing by at a snail’s pace, when in reality it was only around thirty seconds. An agonizing thirty seconds.</p><p>Two minutes.</p><p>Kaneki could see part of the crowd from where he stood -- mainly the front row. Smiling faces in dark makeup and spiky hair leaning over the barricade, waiting for the band's arrival. They couldn’t see him though, hidden away by the black curtain that masked the backstage area. </p><p>The drums were already set up behind the wall of amplifiers and speakers stacked on top of each other, their band logo looming behind it all on a black piece of fabric splattered in red paint. </p><p>Kaneki closed his eyes and leaned his head back, taking a deep breath to inhale the smell of sweat, booze, and cigarettes, holding it deep within his lungs. He wasn’t the book nerd in the back of the class anymore. He was the half ghoul in a rock band with a crowd waiting just for them. He could do this. He totally could.</p><p>One minute.</p><p>“Knock ‘em dead,” Uta said into his ear and squeezed his shoulders from behind, “if you fuck up at all, blame it on me to make yourself feel better. Maybe I set up your amp wrong,” he smirked.</p><p>“Y-yeah, okay,” Kaneki replied. </p><p>He could do this.</p><p>The lights dimmed and the room was almost completely black except for the few blood red lights that drenched the stage. The wall of noise that came from the crowd in that moment had Kaneki feeling lightheaded. This was really happening. </p><p>“Alright!” Uta shouted and clapped his hands together, “go shred some faces off,” and with that, he gave Banjou a light shove towards the stage.</p><p>Banjou shook his head and walked out first, confidently striding over to his seat behind the drums, seemingly unfazed by the roar of the crowd in front of him. He spun his sticks around in his hand a few times and stomped on the pedal, the bass drum reverberating throughout the venue. Kaneki felt the solid vibration in his chest, and the crowd went absolutely insane. </p><p>Next thing he knew there was a hand on his lower back and a Tsukiyama whispering in his ear, “your turn, my love. Stage right.” </p><p>He nodded, his body once against moving on its own, like it knew if it were all up to him he’d cement his feet to the ground and stay there until he died. </p><p>He gripped his guitar and walked out with his head down, watching his feet to make sure he didn’t trip over the mess of guitar cables that littered the stage. He felt light, like he was floating on a cloud directly to his position and this wasn’t really his reality at all. Surely this wasn’t reality … Right?</p><p>He finally looked up.</p><p>The crowd was screaming, fists in the air, and eyes shining. If Kaneki weren’t so stunned and disoriented, he might’ve even cried. His chest felt heavy and his blood coursed through his veins with a purpose he’d never felt before.</p><p>Ayato and Hinami had followed right behind him and were already standing in their places; Hinami close to Kaneki’s side and Ayato on stage left. Tsukiyama lurked behind the curtain still, patiently waiting for his cue. </p><p>And then there it was. Ayato strummed the opening chord once, twice, three times, then Kaneki and Hinami joined right in, launching into the simple riff that drove the crowd crazy. Banjou was right there with them, hitting the drums at a rhythm that would’ve been excruciating for Kaneki to keep up with before, but now it just came to him naturally, like he’d been playing for years. </p><p>They drew out the intro longer than the studio version, getting everybody as hyped up as they possibly could. It was like the energy in the room manifested into a physical ball of light that shot straight through Kaneki’s chest, filling him with a newfound confidence that had him standing tall as all his anxiety melted away.</p><p>The lights dimmed, brightened, dimmed, and brightened, an array of whites, reds, blacks, and blues switching frantically at the speed of Kaneki’s fingers across the fretboard. </p><p>Tsukiyama came out just seconds later with a stage presence so intense you could sense it in the way he walked. He grabbed the microphone off the stand, leg propped up on the platform in front of him as he grinned maniacally -- an absolute force to be reckoned with. </p><p>“Tokyo!” </p><p>The crowd pushed, shoved, and screamed at the top of their lungs.</p><p>This was it.</p><p>“Show me what you got!”</p><p>*</p><p>The show flew by in a flurry of aggression, sweat, and blood -- Kaneki could smell it from the moshpit. </p><p>The only things clear in his mind from that night were thrashing around like a maniac as the music coursed through his veins, stage diving into a crowd that was waiting for him with open arms, and hanging off his band mates as he had the time of his life.</p><p>It was like a hole in his heart that he wasn’t even aware of was suddenly so full it was close to bursting. He finally had a place where he belonged, and for the first time ever … Kaneki felt at home. </p><p>*</p><p>“But, <em> why</em>?!” Hide wailed dramatically and flung himself onto the bed. </p><p>He got a response in the form of a coffee can hitting him in the head. “Bastard!”</p><p>“I’m not wasting my time to accompany you at some poser ghoul concert,” Nishio said and turned back to his computer.</p><p>“They’re not posers!” Hide sat up so fast he got dizzy. “Ugh … they’re <em> real </em>ghouls, and they’re badass! I’ve shown you them before, and you said they were good.” </p><p>“I said they seemed <em> okay </em>from the grainiest video to ever grace the internet you forced me to watch, and I highly doubt they’re real ghouls. Real ghouls wouldn’t risk being in the public eye so often. If they are, they’re idiots.”</p><p>“Oh, and you’re suddenly the ghoul know-it-all?”</p><p>Nishio didn’t reply.</p><p>“C’mon, you’d have fun! Their guitarist is crazy, remember? He jumped up on the platforms all, <em> bowowow</em>!” Hide got to his feet to play an aggressive air guitar solo. He was pretty good, if he did say so himself.</p><p>“Uhuh …” Nishio fixed his glasses with one hand and continued typing away with the other. “Are you really trying to rope me into a good time or are you just scared to go to the fourteenth ward alone?”</p><p>Hide blanched. He knew Nishio was smart, but he didn’t think he’d figure it out that quickly. “I just want to go out and have fun with my buddy!” he lied and smacked a hand against Nishio’s back, “my long time pal!” </p><p>Nishio looked like he was ready for the floor to swallow him up.</p><p>“Touch me again and I’ll rip your arm off.” He seemed serious, but Hide didn’t care. “Either way, I’m not going.”</p><p>“You’re such a hardass!” Hide groaned, “I swear you’re just mean all the time because it gets your rocks off or something.”</p><p>Nishio glared at him. “Well, I was about to get my rocks off until you barged in with your ghoul nonsense and made Kimi leave.”</p><p>Hide pouted for a second. He did feel bad about that, but his pout quickly turned into a grin because it was <em> also </em>pretty funny. Nishio wanted to smile too -- Hide could tell. He could see it in his eyes … Maybe.</p><p>“Oh, c’mon.” He kicked at the wheels of the computer chair. “That was kinda funny.”</p><p>“It really wasn’t.”</p><p>Hide sighed. “So, you’re really not gonna go with me?”</p><p>“You can go make heart eyes at your favorite guitarist by yourself. Also, I told you you could have five minutes to talk to me. It’s been six. So, get out.”</p><p>“Hardass, I tell you!” Hide shouted, but he was already picking up his bag and heading for the door.</p><p>“You’re loud. Bye.”</p><p>Hide laughed and slammed the door behind him, just to make him extra mad. </p><p>He already knew what Nishio’s answer was going to be the second the question popped into his head, but he thought it was worth a shot anyway. </p><p>Hide’s gone to <em> many </em>shows over the years -- he’s a bit of a music freak -- and has come to learn that going to them alone is just sort of … awkward. He liked having someone to look next to in the crowd, or someone to talk to excitedly once the show was over and his ears were ringing.</p><p>Though, Nishio would probably make a lousy concert buddy.</p><p>And as much as he hated to admit it, his friend was right. He definitely wasn’t just looking for someone to hang out with; he was kind of scared shitless about going alone. The show that night was being held at a bar in the fourteenth ward called Helter Skelter. Hide heard it was originally for ghouls only, but they’ve recently started accepting human customers as a way to make more money.</p><p>Which was … smart, but also terrifying. The last thing Hide wanted while enjoying live music was having his face eaten off.</p><p>Hide sighed and took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. It was only noon. The show started at about eight, so he had plenty of time to decide if it was worth the risk. But … Hide <em> had </em> to go. He <em> had </em>to, and he knew it. </p><p>He had an unbreakable habit of constantly finding new artists, becoming obsessed, getting bored, and then setting off to find a new one. But most of the music Hide listened to consisted of musicians from completely different countries -- which Nishio made fun of him for all the time (his English was terrible, but Hide loved to sing along) -- and this time it was finally a band within his reach! </p><p>Their band name was Beyond Cannibal, and they were the textbook definition of badass. He’d be an idiot not to go -- especially while the obsession phase was still in full swing. </p><p>They had an unexplainable energy Hide wasn’t used to seeing in Tokyo, and their rhythm guitarist was someone he was particularly appreciative of. Apparently he was the newest addition to the band, but he’d been with them for a few years now and he was <em> insane</em>. </p><p>He had the playing style of a tornado, whipping his guitar around, jumping off drum sets, and headbanging like a beast. He was a small guy, but his presence was massive. It honestly made Hide feel kind of lame every time he picked up his guitar after watching one of their live videos. </p><p>He <em> had </em> to go. “I <em> have </em>to go,” Hide said out loud, smiling apologetically when the woman jogging by looked at him funny.</p><p>He stopped to yank his keys out of his pocket once he finally arrived at his apartment. “Hmmm,” he hummed to himself, “what do I wear to a rock show … at a ghoul bar.”</p><p>*</p><p>It had been three years since Kaneki’s first show, and the band was still going strong. </p><p>After that night, it seemed like an even greater bond had formed between the group, and Kaneki would <em> never </em>hesitate to call them his family now. They fought like cats and dogs … a lot ... but deep down they were inseparable. </p><p>They were having a hell of a lot of fun with this whole band thing too. As tiring as it could be, Hinami was right. It really did feel good to just <em> scream</em>.</p><p>It’d taken awhile, since they were by no means ‘popular’, but with the help of some dedicated fans, the band was even able to raise enough money to go on a tour around Japan. It was both the most exhausted and exhilarated Kaneki had ever felt.</p><p>The tour only lasted a few months, but it was a time Kaneki knew he’d never forget. Getting to go to so many different places, performing for different audiences every night, and coming to the realization that people outside of their little Tokyo fanbase knew who they were was so heartwarming it almost hurt.</p><p>They traveled in a van they’d spray painted in poorly done drawings and obscenities -- Tsukiyama hated it more than anything because of how hideous it was -- and Uta and his friends followed behind in a ride of their own to help with the setup at every venue. </p><p>Sometimes they’d go forever without showering and it was disgusting, and sometimes -- while Banjou, Hinami, and himself were scrounging for those already deceased -- Ayato and Tsukiyama would go out to eat and come back drenched in blood (having to sleep side by side like that and wake up stuck to each other once it dried), and sometimes Uta would think they looked too damn cool to pass it up and forced them to film a music video on the side of the road. </p><p>It was a loud, chaotic, and intense mess of a few months, but Kaneki was glad it happened anyway. It pushed him out of his comfort zone in the best way, and having a life where he thoroughly enjoyed nearly every moment was something he never expected to have -- before and after the operation -- so he would be grateful for these experiences no matter how crazy they got. </p><p>But tonight was the last night of their tour, and they were ending it in a bar they all loved right back in Tokyo -- Helter Skelter. </p><p>Uta’s friend Itori ran the place, so they were always greeted with warm welcomes -- maybe a little <em> too </em>warm. Kaneki always dreaded having his cheeks pinched by her and being forced into suffocating hugs because he was just ‘so cute’. </p><p>The stage there was smaller than they were used to, but it gave the show an intimate feeling that Kaneki knew the fans appreciated. Being able to feel the music that close with all of the members side by side was fun for them, even if it meant Hinami whacked him in the chest with her bass sometimes. </p><p>But before the fun of showtime came the hell that was setting up the stage. </p><p>Him and Uta were currently trying to force the platforms they set up in front through a <em> way </em>too small door, and it definitely wasn’t working out. </p><p>“Can you turn it?” Kaneki asked.</p><p>“No,” Uta replied.</p><p>“You didn’t even try!”</p><p>“Turning it isn’t gonna do anything, the legs will get in the way!”</p><p>Kaneki sighed and wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was way too hot out for him to be wearing a leather jacket. </p><p>He gave the platform another strong push, hoping he’d be able to force it through, but of course, nothing happened and he slammed his knee against it in the process. “Shit!” </p><p>“Easy now … Can’t have Tokyo’s greatest guitarist getting hurt before a show,” Uta said and pushed his sunglasses up with his free hand.</p><p>Kaneki laughed. “Tokyo’s greatest guitarist?” </p><p>“What, would ‘performer’ be better?”</p><p>“That just makes him sound like a stripper.” Ayato was suddenly standing right behind him. </p><p>Kaneki yelped and dropped the platform, and Uta jerked forward in a mess of flailing limbs, landing right on top of it with a groan.</p><p>“Thanks, Kaneki …”</p><p>“Sorry!” He got down to make sure the other was okay, but Uta just waved him off. </p><p>“You guys are morons. There’s a bigger entrance up front, y’know,” Ayato rolled his eyes and pushed Kaneki out of the way to tug the platform out of the entryway himself. </p><p>Oh … They really were morons. </p><p>Kaneki brushed his hair out of his face and sighed. “Do you guys think you could take care of it? I kinda wanna go walk around. I hate being cramped up in venues all day.”</p><p>Ayato glared at him, which … Okay, fair. Ayato probably didn’t like being stuck in venues either, and he wasn’t complaining. </p><p>“Aw, but you’re gonna miss all the fun of setting up Banjou’s big ass drum set,” Uta pouted.</p><p>Kaneki shrugged. “Big drum set for a big guy.”</p><p>“It does <em> not </em>need to be that big, and it’s hell for me to set up. I swear he brings it on the road because he hates me.”</p><p>“Probably,” Ayato agreed. Uta smacked his arm.</p><p>Kaneki was already descending the small flight of stairs back down to the parking lot behind the venue. His book bag was in the van and he wasn’t going to be able to do anything without his wallet on him. “Well, thanks for taking over guys! I appreciate it!” </p><p>“Wait, we didn’t agree!” Ayato shouted.</p><p>Kaneki threw a smile over his shoulder. “But you’ll do it anyway because you love me?”</p><p>The other guitarist just looked at him like he either wanted to puke or punch him in the face -- more than likely, both.</p><p>Kaneki laughed and kept walking. He needed to get out of there anyway before he broke something. </p><p>He was feeling extra antsy for some reason, probably because it was the last show of the tour and his nerves were getting to him, but he knew he needed to get away for a bit and relax somewhere quiet. He refused to let his day be eaten up because he got roped into stage setup with the rest of Uta’s group.</p><p>He jogged over to the van and yanked the door open, having to crawl around the cramped space on his hands and knees to find his bag jammed under one of the seats. Once over his shoulder, he slammed the door shut and went on his way. </p><p>He obviously couldn’t go to any restaurants, and he didn’t have enough money to go shopping either -- surprise, surprise, rock bands don’t make very much. Sitting around outside to read seemed weird too, so he decided on just heading to one of the many coffee shops around the ward. Of course.</p><p>Since coffee was the one thing ghouls could consume, it seemed like all he and the gang ever did was sit around cafes and diners and chug it like their life depended on it when they weren’t playing shows. It gave them a sense of normalcy, so they clung to it pretty intensely. </p><p>Though five people dressed the way they were, covered in (sometimes) fake blood, barging into a diner at two in the morning for way too many cups of coffee was definitely the farthest thing from normal. But it was something that comforted them, and that was a rare feeling to have. </p><p>Kaneki wiped more sweat off his forehead and quickly walked down the street with a vague memory of how to get to the nearest coffee shop in mind, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk as he went.</p><p>If he had to stay out in this heat any longer he might actually melt into the ground. Were ghouls like vampires? If they were out in the sun for too long would they just turn into a pile of ashes? It felt like it. </p><p>A few blocks later, he finally arrived at his destination; a small coffee shop tucked between a bookstore and a rundown apartment building. He swiftly opened the door for an elderly woman approaching too and slipped in behind her, making his way up to the counter to order (<em>iced </em> coffee this time).</p><p>He stood off to the side and fiddled with the strap of his eye patch as he waited for his name to be called. He was sure he had more control over his kakugan by now, but ever since the little incident during guitar practice years prior, he’s started wearing one again. Just in case. </p><p>Once his order was called he eventually settled at a window seat in the back with a book opened up on the table -- slowly feeling the rockstar facade begin to fade. </p><p>He held his drink up to his face and nursed it gently as he flicked at the pages of the novel with his other hand. He tried to get out of the venue as quickly as possible, but now that he was finally alone, he just felt … off.</p><p>This is why Kaneki had a love hate relationship with the rare downtime he did have. As a child, all he ever wanted was to be alone, he craved it, but now that he’s older and his whole life has been turned upside down and upright again, alone time is often something he dreads. </p><p>It’s like he’s wearing a second skin at all times -- a costume -- one that’s a little too loose, and the second he has a shred of privacy, it falls right off. As much fun as the band was, when it came down to it, it really was all just one big distraction. </p><p>He loved the band with all his heart, he did, but he clung to it an unhealthy amount. To the point where he could no longer handle being alone, where he craved the sounds of a screaming crowd and a near blown out amplifier blaring in his ears at all times, and silence was the only thing he considered ‘too much’.</p><p>His thoughts could be a bit overwhelming at times as he dwelled on his past, what could’ve been, what should happen now, what his life as a ghoul would continue to be like, what his life would’ve been like if he were … normal. Kaneki knew he had a loving ‘family’, but he still felt so alienated from the rest of the world.  </p><p>Though, he supposed that was normal. A first date that ended in receiving ghoul organs and being shoved into a world he wasn’t prepared for in the slightest was definitely a transition that might take a few more years to get used to. </p><p>He laughed to himself and turned to the next page in his book, hoping he could easily get sucked into the story this time and use it as a distraction; that is, until somebody loudly cleared their throat next to him. </p><p>Kaneki jumped at the noise and cursed himself when at least a quarter of his coffee spilled onto the table, quickly pulling his book away from the mess and pushing back in his seat.</p><p>“Whoa, sorry!” The person reached into their pocket and pulled out a napkin to wipe it up. “Didn’t mean to scare you!” </p><p>“Oh, no, it’s-”</p><p>Any words Kaneki had prepared for when he looked up were cut off immediately, because there stood the … <em> brightest </em>man Kaneki had ever seen in his entire life.</p><p>Seriously, this guy did not care about clashing colors.</p><p>He straightened up and smiled -- <em> beamed. </em>“I finally worked up the courage to come and say hi, so I wanted to do it before I left! Didn’t plan on making a mess while I did it though … Whoops.”</p><p>Kaneki blinked at him dumbly. </p><p>Was this one of those awkward moments where someone he never remembered meeting came up to start a conversation? No, he was sure he’d recognize someone like … this. </p><p>This guy had <em> yellow </em>hair -- like a walking, talking sunflower. Kaneki briefly thought about recommending a toner to sort that out for him, but he thought that’d be rude. </p><p>“Say … hi?” </p><p>The man waved a hand around. “Sorry, I’m being stupid. I listen to your band! I just walked in and noticed you and thought I’d come over real quick and tell you how kickass you are in case I didn’t get a chance to at the show tonight!”</p><p>Oh. <em> Oh</em>. He felt himself relax. Did this guy really see Kaneki curled up in the corner of a coffee shop alone and still think the word ‘kickass’ applied to him?</p><p>“Oh! Well, thank you ... I appreciate that.” Kaneki blushed bright red and rubbed a hand against his cheek. Then something clicked in his brain. “You’re going to the show tonight?”</p><p>The man’s grin somehow grew even wider. “Hell yeah, I am! Wouldn’t miss it for the world. You guys put on an awesome show too, so I’m all pumped up for it. Even listening to your stuff right now to get in the mood.” He tapped a finger against the headphones around his neck.</p><p>Kaneki looked the man up and down. He didn’t seem like the type to be into their music at all. Their fans didn’t usually show up in bright colored clothes with massive headphones to match. Though, Kaneki didn’t look like the kind of person to <em> play </em>that kind of music at first either.  </p><p>His anxiety about the show suddenly went up a thousand notches.</p><p>“W-wow, uh, thanks! We put a lot of work into our shows,” Kaneki mumbled and dropped his gaze to his cup instead, “ … maybe I’ll see you there then. The band usually hangs around for a while afterwards.”</p><p>The stranger bounced up and down on his feet as Kaneki spoke, like he had more energy than his body knew what to do with, resorting to fidgeting at all times. Then his eyes lit up. </p><p>“Really? That’s awesome! I’ll keep an eye out for you. Good thing you’re pretty easy to spot in a crowd,” he winked.</p><p>Kaneki’s eyes widened. What did <em> that </em>mean? He coughed to cover his awkwardness -- probably too loud -- and looked down at his hands. </p><p>“Uh … Did you want me to … sign something?” he asked.</p><p>Kaneki hoped that didn’t sound arrogant, like he thought everyone who met him was dying for his autograph, but people usually asked! </p><p>The man scrunched up his face and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Oh, man … Would it be mean if I said no? I’d feel kinda lame asking.” </p><p>Kaneki cringed and quickly shook his head. “No, that’s fine! Don’t worry about it.” Of course the guy didn’t want his autograph, <em> idiot</em>, why’d he even ask? </p><p>“But, maybe I can get something signed later tonight if you promise to look out for me in the crowd too?” the man asked, head tilted to the side.</p><p>He didn’t seem nervous as he asked the question, but he didn’t say it with any obvious confidence either, like the words just poured directly out of him without even thinking about it.</p><p>For whatever reason, Kaneki’s stomach swooped at the thought of getting to have another conversation with the stranger.</p><p>He shifted in his seat, mouth opening and closing a few times before he finally forced a nod. </p><p>“ … I think that’s a promise I can make. Talking to fans is always fun.”</p><p>That was kind of a lie … Actually, Kaneki sort of hated meeting fans sometimes. As sweet as they were, he was always worried he was shattering the persona the fans had of him in their minds when they realized how much of a dweeb he was.</p><p>Though, somehow, he had a feeling this guy wouldn’t mind.</p><p>“Sick!” the man laughed and put his hand out, “shake on it?”</p><p>Kaneki reached out without a second thought and grasped onto the other’s hand, breath hitching at the surprising warmth and calluses he felt.</p><p>The man gently squeezed Kaneki’s hand before pulling away. “Well, I should get going. Gotta get a good spot in line, y’know?” he smirked.</p><p>Kaneki nodded, flashes of a few fans camping outside of venues overnight at previous shows coming to mind. “Right.”</p><p>“But, I’ll see you later!” he said, slowly backing towards the exit, “you’re a pretty cool dude, Kaneki!”</p><p>A surprised shock went through Kaneki’s body at the sound of his name. Right. This guy liked his band, of course he knew his name. The butterflies in his stomach were vicious. </p><p>The man then nodded and smiled before finally turning around. Kaneki felt like an even bigger idiot when he realized he didn’t even <em> reply</em>, but he didn’t have much time to dwell on it.</p><p>He stopped just before he was out of the building, turning his head back to Kaneki with one foot out the door. “Oh!” he shouted, “my name’s Hide by the way!” and with an enthusiastic wave and grin, he was gone.</p><p>Kaneki kept his eyes locked on the door for a moment, even after the man left.</p><p><em> Hide </em>… </p><p>That was a nice name.</p><p>*</p><p>“<em>What</em>?!” Nishio was saying … <em> something </em>… through the phone, but Hide couldn’t hear a single word over the sound of the crowd. </p><p>“Oh my god. I’m never calling you again,” Nishio said louder this time.</p><p>“Why?! What’d I do?!” Hide yelled and put a hand over his other ear to hear better. </p><p>Hide had abandoned his original plan of waiting in line for hours to get a decent spot due to it being absolutely hot as <em> balls </em>outside, so he ended up wandering aimlessly around random shops in the ward for the rest of the day instead. </p><p>He’d only gotten to the bar about twenty minutes earlier, but it didn’t seem like Beyond Cannibal were taking the stage anytime soon, so he was all good. Some local punk band that looked way too young to be in a bar were on at the moment, and there was still another opening act afterwards too. </p><p>And this place was <em> loud</em>.</p><p>“I was <em> saying </em>… Kimi can’t come over, so I was going to take you up on that dumb concert offer. But it sounds like you’re already there.” Hide didn’t think it was possible, but he swore he could hear Nishio’s eyes rolling. </p><p>“Sure am, and you’re missin’ out, buddy! The music so far is … really something else!” Hide cringed as the opening act fumbled through their set. </p><p>“Yeah, really sounds like I’m missing something special,” Nishio mumbled. </p><p>“You gotta speak up, man!”</p><p>“Ugh, I’m hanging up.” </p><p>The call ended and Hide looked down at his phone with a frown. Nishio was such an ass sometimes. </p><p>Hide pocketed his phone and spun around to face the bar behind him with a smile. He could feel the bartender’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his head while he was on the phone.He’d been lingering too long without ordering anything, he knew that, but he wasn’t a big drinker. </p><p>“Hey there!” Hide shouted over the music. </p><p>The red haired woman crossed her arms and forced a smile. “You gonna order anything? Or are you just gonna stand there and be loud?”</p><p>Hide laughed, feeling proud of himself when her smile turned a bit more genuine. No one could resist the signature Hide charm! “Can I get a coke?”</p><p>She rolled her eyes and nodded before making her way to the other end of the bar. </p><p>Hide tapped his fingers against the wood and hummed to himself as he looked around. The venue was exactly as he’d expected, and he was sort of grateful for that. He’d mentally prepared for the right things and wasn’t thrown for a loop the second he’d walked in or anything. </p><p>Also no one had eaten him yet, so that was a plus.</p><p>The room was doused in blue and purple light and absolutely packed full of all sorts of people. Some ghoul, some not, but Hide couldn’t really tell the difference anyways. It seemed like people showed up in crazy masks just because they wanted to look cool and fit in with the band’s image -- even if they were human.</p><p>Hide honestly felt an unexpected sense of community throughout the place, like it didn’t matter who you were or what you dressed like; the music brought them all together. </p><p>“Alright, here you go.” Hide snapped out of his thoughts when a can was set down in front of him. </p><p>He gave the woman a grateful smile and slid the money her way, averting his eyes when she snatched it up and shoved it in her bra.</p><p>“Feel free to keep ordering, but if that’s all you’re getting, I’d suggest you make your way to the pit instead,” she said sweetly. </p><p>Hide turned his head toward the crowd. There wasn’t much of a pit, but the second band was finally on stage; only one short setlist away from what Hide was sure would be the best show he’s been to. </p><p>“Nah, I’ll stick around. I wanna save up my energy for what we’re all here for.” Hide cracked the can open and raised it in her direction before taking a sip. </p><p>The woman nodded and rested her elbows on the bar, chin resting in her palms as she looked at the stage behind him. “Cannibal’s pretty awesome, huh?”</p><p>Hide snorted. “That’s a bit of an understatement! Have you <em> seen </em>their guitarist?” Hide sounded like a broken record with how often he mentioned the guy, but … maybe he did have a little bit of a crush.</p><p>The bartender smirked. “Of course I have. Kaneki is everyone’s favorite. Mine too, I guess,” she laughed, “I have to hug the life out of him every time we see each other.”</p><p>Hide gawked at her. “Every time you see each other? You <em> know </em>him?!”</p><p>She slid a beer to the customer next to Hide and then settled back in front of him. “Sure do. I’m friends with their sound guy. Why?” She raised an eyebrow. “You want me to sneak you backstage to see him for a ‘private show’?”</p><p>Hide choked on his drink and slapped his hand against his chest. “N-no! I’m not down to be a groupie. I just … think he’s cool, is all.” Hide blushed and picked at a loose string on his jacket. “I actually met him earlier today. He was quieter than I expected.” </p><p>He thought back to their interaction at the coffee shop and smiled. Kaneki was somehow even more attractive in person, and Hide <em> definitely </em>made a fool of himself in front of the guy because of it, but he was glad he got the chance to meet him. He still wasn’t sure if Kaneki was serious about keeping his promise though. He probably wasn’t.</p><p>“If you say so,” she giggled, “he’s a weird guy though. The rockstar thing is just a cover-up anyways. He’s a nerd.”</p><p>A <em> nerdy </em>rockstar? Just like that, Hide’s crush went from a hundred to a thousand.</p><p>“Crowd’s pushing up a little by the way. I think they’ll be on in like fifteen. You might wanna get a spot now,” she said, pointing forward. </p><p>Hide looked over. The gaps of empty floor space he noticed in the crowd earlier were filling up as people pushed their way to the front of the stage. Most people linger in the back during opening acts, but around the fifteen minute mark is when everyone starts pushing to the barricade. </p><p>If he didn’t get over there soon there was no way he’d be able to get to the front with everyone else, and he wanted to get the best view possible tonight.</p><p>Hide downed the rest of his drink and set it back down on the bar. “Thanks,” he smiled. </p><p>The bartender nodded and took the can, throwing it away for him. “No problem. Have fun, and don’t die … Or do!” she smirked.</p><p>Hide gave a nervous nod and grin before jumping off the bar stool and making his way over. One of the things he was worried about tonight was the adrenaline that came with shows like this. Not <em> his </em>adrenaline, but the others around him. He didn’t know what to expect with ghouls and humans so close to one another in this sort of environment; sweat, blood, and racing hearts filling the room at the sound of the music and the shoves of the crowd. </p><p>He just hoped what he was expecting to be the best night ever didn’t turn into a full on bloodbath. </p><p>He wiggled his way through the wall of people as politely as he could, cringing at the sweaty bodies sliding against him as he moved (how were these people already so … <em> wet</em>?); he knew full well he was pissing some of them off too, but hey, that’s just what you do at shows. You pretend you know someone in the front row and keep pushin’!</p><p>After what felt like a million excuse me’s, Hide finally found himself pressed up against the barricade to the left of the stage. It was exactly the spot he was hoping for, but he knew that didn’t matter. The moment the music starts it gets so intense that if you don’t stand your ground, you’ll somehow end up at the back of the room in a matter of seconds.</p><p>It’s like a wave pool at a waterpark -- except the water is sweaty people with mohawks. Gross.</p><p>Hide passed the time by trying to get into the last opening act as much as he could, bobbing his head and dangling his arms over the barricade, but it was proving difficult, so he gave up; they just didn’t have that <em> thing </em>-- whatever it was -- that made you want to keep listening. They weren’t bad though, so that was something at least.</p><p>He talked to some of the people next to him as much as he could too, smiling and nodding (he was good at that) when he couldn’t fully understand what they were saying -- especially if they were wearing a mask. He just hoped they weren’t actually talking about something super depressing; that’d be embarrassing.</p><p>But, <em> man</em>, some of these masks were fucking cool, he thought, and looked around the dense crowd in wonder. Maybe he should get one … Or maybe not. Nishio would definitely make fun of him for it, and Hide already dealt with that enough. Oh, but what if he got them <em> matching </em>masks?</p><p>Hide snapped out of his reverie at the sight of the last band’s backdrop falling to the ground and the lights dimming even more. His heart fluttered in his chest at the thought of what was to come and the crowd cheered, urging the band to move faster and get on stage already.</p><p>It was a weird feeling, waiting for a band to come on stage. It was like the excitement was so intense it almost made you sick -- yet it was somehow the best feeling in the world.</p><p>The crowd chanted the band’s name and stomped their feet against the ground, making the whole place shake, and Hide briefly wondered if the combined ghoul strength would be enough to bring the whole venue down. That’d be pretty sick.</p><p>He happily joined in, fist raised and feet stomping as he yelled. Yeah … This show was gonna be a good one.</p><p>Once the band was on stage, Hide was surprised he’d didn’t pass out from the sheer force of energy they brought with them.</p><p>The lights changed to a dark red, and in a flash, Kaneki was running out and jumping on top of the platform in front of him, dropping to his knees and yelling right back at them. Hide was pinned against the barricade, skin biting into the metal and sweating, the pressure of the fans behind him pushing forward to get to the guitarist, but it’s like he couldn’t even feel it.</p><p>The rest of the band followed with just as much intensity. They worked the crowd up more than Hide thought possible as they slammed on the open strings of their instruments through Banjou’s opening drum solo, and when the singer came strutting out, it’s like all the emotion that was being harbored inside everyone there burst at the same time. </p><p>Nishio was <em> totally </em>missing out! He couldn’t wait to brag about it later.</p><p>Throughout the show, Hide was shoved and shoved right back as sweat dripped from his bleached hair right into his eyes, screaming the lyrics he knew like the back of his hand, and let the energy in the room wrap around him like the softest blanket.</p><p>And he swore, the second him and Kaneki made eye contact, the guitarist even missed a note.</p><p>*</p><p>Kaneki coughed at the cloud of cigarette smoke blown in his face as he walked past a group of sound techs and kicked open the exit to the parking lot. The door was <em> right there</em>, why did they insist on smoking inside?</p><p>He sighed as the cool air hit his face; compared to the stuffy post-show atmosphere that lingered inside, the parking lot felt like heaven. No amount of small, plastic fans could bring down the sweat that came with a show like that.</p><p>He took a deep breath and wiped his face with a towel he was handed earlier before taking a swig of whatever drink Itori had shoved in his other hand before he went out. It looked like beer, but he didn’t gag after the first sip, so he knew that’s not what it was.</p><p>Leaning against the brick wall with his eyes closed, he absentmindedly picked at the label on the bottle as his heart rate slowly returned to normal. Shows always left him in a daze for a little while, so he liked to step outside afterwards to calm his body down before heading back to the dressing room to meet up with the others. It usually took him a good twenty minutes or so for his skin to stop feeling like it was buzzing with adrenaline.</p><p>His thoughts shifted to the glimpse of bright hair and sparkling eyes that’d caught his attention halfway through the set and his grip tightened around the bottle. Hide.</p><p>He’d shown up. Well, of course he did, he said he would, but Kaneki still felt a rush of … <em> something </em>(anxiety, excitement, craziness) the second their eyes met and he couldn’t help but screw up the next verse and hide his nervous grin as he bounced around. Kaneki anxiously chewed on his bottom lip. </p><p>What did he think of the show? He seemed to like their band a lot, so was it as good as he’d hoped, or did they crush Hide’s dreams completely? Did he notice Kaneki mess up? Was he still here?</p><p>Kaneki groaned. He really shouldn’t have promised to meet up with him a second time. He couldn’t go back out into the crowd unless he wanted to be bombarded by fans, and that was the last thing he needed right now. </p><p>Hide likely wouldn’t put in all the work of searching outside the venue for him either, god, Kaneki was <em> stupid</em>. </p><p>He grunted and lightly knocked his head back against the wall a few times before bringing his drink up for another sip. Stupid. The stupidest ever, maybe.</p><p>“Hey, I didn’t know ghouls could drink beer!”</p><p>Kaneki choked and yanked the bottle away from his face, loudly spluttering into his arm. He heard footsteps sprint towards him and instinctively shrunk back as his coughing fit continued, waving his hand to shoo the person away when they started smacking their hand against his back.</p><p>“Man, I gotta stop sneaking up on you! I didn’t realize you were so jumpy,” they laughed, ignoring Kaneki’s protests. </p><p>Kaneki frowned and looked over, and … <em> Oh</em>. </p><p>His eyes widened, straightening up and clearing his throat immediately. “H-Hide!” he squeaked, “uh …” </p><p>He looked much more disheveled than the last time he’d seen him, that was to be expected, but it didn’t stop Kaneki’s chest from tightening any less. His hair was spiked up with sweat and his jacket was tied around his waist, revealing a shirt with video game characters Kaneki had never heard of printed across it. He looked … really good.</p><p>Hide slid his hand off his back and smiled. “You remember me!” </p><p>Fortunately for Kaneki, Hide ignored his <em> totally </em>manly voice crack too.</p><p>“Well, yeah,” he replied, suddenly feeling breathless, “we only talked for a second, but it was … nice.”</p><p><em>You’re kinda hard to forget</em>, he didn’t say.</p><p>“Oh, thank god! I thought I made a total ass of myself because I was all excited to see you, like, in the flesh n’ stuff.” He wiggled his fingers in Kaneki’s direction. “Glad I didn’t annoy you too much though,” he said and bumped their shoulders together.</p><p><em> Because I was all excited to see you</em>.</p><p>Kaneki bit back a smile -- but it dropped from his face when he remembered something he should definitely clear up. </p><p>“Oh, and I’m not a, uh … ghoul,” he lowered his voice a bit on the last word, he couldn’t help it, and raised his bottle up to jog Hide’s memory about what he’d just <em> shouted</em>.</p><p>Kaneki knew there was talk of Beyond Cannibal being ghouls. Where people got that information, he had no clue, but the ghoul world was full of gossip, so it wasn’t too surprising when the rumor started to spread, and that’s exactly what he chalked it up to when anyone asked; they were just rumors.</p><p>Hide frowned and pursed his lips, staring at Kaneki long enough for the guitarist to start feeling uncomfortable. He tapped against his bottle as he waited.</p><p>“Hm … Yeah, you are!” he finally said. </p><p>Wait, what? </p><p>Kaneki sucked in a breath and stared back at him for a moment, then awkwardly shifted his eyes around the parking lot. </p><p>He was prepared for an, “<em>Oh, okay, my bad</em>,” not a, “<em>Yeah, you are </em> ” … How was he supposed to respond to <em> that</em>? Why was he so sure of himself?</p><p>He didn’t know what expression he was making, but apparently it was dumb enough for Hide to start laughing at him, and Kaneki felt his face start to burn up. Of course he couldn’t lie to Hide, he seemed more observant than Kaneki originally thought -- and Kaneki was a bad liar anyways. </p><p>He dropped the act and sighed, eyes closing and shaking his head.</p><p>“You gave up so quick,” Hide cackled. </p><p>Kaneki whacked his shoulder with his towel hand. “What gave it away?”</p><p>Hide’s laughter died down to a giggle and he bit his lip and shrugged. “I dunno … I just got good intuition,” he said, tapping his finger against the side of his head.</p><p>Kaneki squinted at him, searching for any indication that maybe Hide was lying -- that maybe someone had told him something and he just wasn’t admitting to it. He couldn’t find any.</p><p>He still couldn’t think of much else to say even after a minute of silence passed, so he settled on a loud huff instead, and brought his drink back up to his lips.</p><p>He could already imagine Ayato grabbing him by the jacket and throwing him out of the van onto the freeway if he found out Kaneki told someone, and he made a quick mental note to never bring it up.</p><p>“Huh …,” Hide said to himself. Kaneki had to resist the urge to jump when he glanced over and noticed their faces so close together. He inched away slightly, but Hide stuck out his hand to curiously poke at the bottle before he could get too far.</p><p>“What’s in that?” he asked, “it’s not beer, right? Can I try some?”</p><p>Kaneki jerked the bottle down and pressed it firmly against his chest, like he was afraid Hide might reach out and try to take it from him. He probably would. </p><p>“Absolutely not!” he exclaimed. </p><p>He didn’t know what the hell Itori put in this, but he was fairly certain what the main ingredient was. </p><p>Hide groaned and stomped his foot on the ground like a child. “So you guys get the cool masks, the cool eyes, <em> and </em>your own secret little drinks? That’s not fair! The only cool thing about me is, like … my hair!” He tugged a piece down in front of his eyes and scrunched his face up at the texture. “Kinda.”</p><p>A laugh bubbled out of Kaneki before he could stop it, all previous tension leaving his body at once. He’d never met anyone so enthusiastic about ghouls before. <em>He </em>wasn’t even that enthusiastic about them and he was one; this guy was crazy. </p><p>“I don’t think it’d suit your tastes. Trust me,” Kaneki assured, giving him a pointed look before setting his drink and towel on the ground.</p><p>He hated to admit it, but he was a bit of a lightweight, and he didn’t want to end up drunk mid-conversation. Itori made her drinks strong too.</p><p>Hide seemed to realize what he meant, his mouth forming a silent ‘<em>oh </em>’ before he started giggling again. Yeah, definitely crazy. </p><p>“That’s nasty!” Hide replied, stretching his arms above his head, “but, hey, getting pushed around and sweating my ass off for an hour made me kinda hungry, believe it or not. Wanna go to the diner down the street with me?”</p><p>Kaneki blinked at him. </p><p>First he was asking for a swig of blood booze and now he’s asking a ghoul out to eat? He really never knew what to expect with this guy.</p><p>Hide winced. “Oh, was that a weird thing to ask? Cause you’re all …” He put a hand over his mouth, his next sentence coming out muffled. “Nevermind, I won’t say the ‘g word’ again.”</p><p>“The ‘<em>g word </em>’?” Kaneki laughed, surprising even himself.</p><p>Hide flapped his hand around and made a face. “Y’know!”</p><p>He noticed the sweat in Hide’s hair had finally dried and was beginning to fall flat, yellow strands hanging delicately in front of his eyes and swishing back and forth as he talked. Kaneki couldn’t help but think about running his fingers through it -- but he quickly shook the thought out of his head.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m well aware,” he replied and rolled his eyes, standing up from against the wall.</p><p>He stared at Hide expectantly when he didn’t say anything else.</p><p>“Wha …?” Hide trailed off.</p><p>Kaneki laughed and nudged him forward with his elbow. “Let’s go!”</p><p>That seemed to shake Hide out of his stupor and his eyes went wide. “Oh, I didn’t think you’d actually want to! Alright, let's go!” he shouted, and took off in a speed walk. </p><p>Kaneki smiled and followed close behind. This was going to be a long night. </p><p>*</p><p>“Just two coffees, please,” Hide smiled and handed the menus over to the waitress.</p><p>“Sure thing. Coming right up.” She tucked her notepad into her apron and swiftly took the menus from Hide’s hand, leaving the two men in a comfortable silence once she was gone.</p><p>Kaneki raised an eyebrow at him. </p><p>“<em>What </em>?” Hide frowned and nervously unwrapped the silverware from the napkin around it, “so I’ve done a little ghoul research in my time. I didn’t get it wrong, did I? Do you guys actually drink iced tea or something?”</p><p>Kaneki snorted and shook his head. “No, you got it right. If you made me drink iced tea, I might vomit all over the table.”</p><p>Hide chuckled. “Cute!”</p><p>Something similar had happened before, actually. He’d gone to a restaurant early on during the tour and was surprised to find that the waiter had poured a ton of sugar into his coffee without him even asking. The aftermath was the farthest thing from cute, that’s for sure.</p><p>“Wait, I thought you said you were hungry?” Kaneki asked, remembering why they were there in the first place.</p><p>Hide shrugged. “Ah, well … I didn’t want to gross you out or anything. I know even the smell of human food makes you kinda sick, right?” </p><p>Kaneki frowned. Why did that matter? He wasn’t going to let Hide starve just because the smell grossed him out a little, but Hide seemed to sense that Kaneki was going to argue and quickly put a hand up to stop him. </p><p>“Don’t even try it. Just coffee is fine with me,” he insisted.</p><p>Kaneki opened his mouth to speak but cut himself off before he could get a word out. He had a feeling Hide wasn’t going to budge. He gave Kaneki a knowing smile.</p><p>Kaneki blushed and let another silence settle over the two; one that, surprisingly, still wasn’t awkward. He was usually so anxious around new people, hoping and praying they would be the one to keep the conversation going and dreading any sort of silence that occurred -- and he still was a little anxious now because, well, <em> Hide </em>… but it wasn’t like it was eating him alive. </p><p>He’d been to this diner before, he realized as he looked around. Though last time he was here Ayato was drunker than Kaneki had ever seen him after a show, banging on tables and <em> laughing </em>for once while Tsukiyama tried to stop him from being so noisy -- because of course, only the frontman was allowed to be so obnoxious.</p><p>Fluorescent bulbs annoyingly buzzed above them and Kaneki’s sensitive ears could pick up on the neon entrance sign doing the same thing, a dull hum filling the diner. It was kinda gross here, honestly -- torn up booth seats and chipped floor tiling too -- yet somehow, with Hide here, Kaneki was more comfortable than he’d been in a long time.</p><p>The waitress was there just a moment later and set the two of their cups down on the table; they thanked her with a smile. Kaneki immediately cringed when Hide reached over for at <em> least </em>six sugar packets from the tiny rack on the table and dumped them right into his coffee, along with a few creamers too. Hide didn’t seem to notice.</p><p>Kaneki gazed down into his cup and gently blew on the dark liquid before taking a sip. </p><p>“You know I don’t mind, right?” Hide asked.</p><p>Kaneki glanced up, startled by the sudden question. Hide was staring back at him with the most serious expression he’d seen on the guy so far, chewing on his lip, like he was thinking hard about something.</p><p>Kaneki knew what he meant. “You don’t <em> mind</em>? … Hide, I eat people. Everyone minds a little bit.” </p><p>He didn’t mean for that last part to slip out, or to put it so bluntly, but it was the truth. No matter what anyone said to him, he knew humans would forever have that underlying fear within them when it came to ghouls, and they had every right to feel that way. </p><p>It may have been normal for him, but Kaneki knew he was some people’s worst nightmare. </p><p>Hide’s face fell but he quickly mustered up a small, comforting smile. “You didn’t ask to be this way. You’re just doing what you have to to survive like anybody else,” he said simply, “plus, I don’t think you’re that bad … You don’t really strike me as the killer type.”</p><p>Kaneki looked at him with wide eyes and sunk further into his seat. How did Hide just <em> know </em>things? </p><p>“You know, if a ghoul had said that to me I’d have taken it as an insult,” Kaneki replied, trying to lighten the mood. </p><p>Hide laughed, seemingly leaving all seriousness behind. “Oh, I get it. So you gotta be the big bad killer to be respected in the ghoul world, eh?”</p><p>Kaneki gave a weak laugh and brought his drink up to his lips. “Something like that.” </p><p>Hide hummed in understanding and swung his feet back and forth under the table. Kaneki relished in the light touches every time Hide’s leg would brush up against his, and felt like the air was sucked out of him completely when Hide’s motions came to a stop and he loosely tangled their legs together. </p><p>Their eyes locked.</p><p>“But, I’m glad you do things the way to do,” Hide said earnestly, “you’re a really good guy, Kaneki.”</p><p>Kaneki’s heart thumped loudly in his chest, and in the silence of the diner, he wondered if Hide could hear it. </p><p>“I … Thank you, Hide.” He couldn’t say much more than that. </p><p>Hide smiled and reached over to squeeze Kaneki’s hand, pulling away right after -- like he knew Kaneki might pass out if he let the touch linger any longer than that.</p><p>“Oh!” he shouted, startling Kaneki enough to nearly make him spill his coffee <em> again</em>, “I didn’t even get a chance to tell you how fuckin’ awesome the show was!” </p><p>Kaneki laughed loudly at the sudden outburst and brought a hand up to cover his mouth.</p><p>“I’m serious!” Hide slammed his hand down on the table. “You rocked my fuckin’ socks off, dude!”</p><p>*</p><p>Now that the sweat had dried from Kaneki’s skin too, the night time Tokyo air was borderline freezing, and it was only natural that they’d end up holding hands on their way back from the diner.</p><p>Hide’s hand was warm in his, a feeling Kaneki welcomed against the frostbite he’d convinced himself he was developing the second they’d stepped back outside -- and if Kaneki’s face went bright red the second their skin touched, well, he just blamed that on the cold too. </p><p>Hide squeezed his hand every so often, a small gesture that was <em> way </em>too distracting, and Kaneki had to focus extra hard on not tripping over his own feet.</p><p>After their serious little ‘Kaneki is oh-so amazing’ talk that made him want to sink under the table no matter how sweet it was, their conversation went all over the place, and he’d learned a lot more about Hide. It was kind of hard not to learn something new about him when the guy seemed to talk a mile a minute, but Kaneki appreciated it. </p><p>He learned that Hide’s favorite color was -- surprise -- yellow, that he had a sick obsession with horror films like Kaneki did novels, that he was a dog <em> and </em>a cat person, that he considered the homeless lady outside his apartment complex his new best friend, and much, much more.</p><p>Kaneki made sure to comment every now and then so Hide didn’t feel like he was just talking to a brick wall, and even mentioned some things about himself too. Not too much about his life, because he wasn’t too keen on sharing the bloody experiences he’s been through that have taken up most of it, but he did end up talking for a good ten minutes about his favorite author. </p><p>Which wasn’t surprising, but definitely still embarrassing; when it came to books, it was hard to shut him up. Every time he, Hinami, and Tsukiyama discussed them while Banjou pretended to listen, Ayato would always make a show of groaning and covering his ears before rushing out of the living room. </p><p>Hide just kicked his foot under the table and teased him about being such a bookworm; Kaneki laughed and kicked right back.</p><p>“There’s so many stars out,” Hide said in awe. Kaneki looked over and gave an amused smile as Hide walked with his face up towards the sky and his mouth hanging open.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what happens at night,” Kaneki chuckled.</p><p>Hide made an annoyed sound and shoved Kaneki with his shoulder, the guitarist squawking as he tripped and clung tighter to the hand he was still holding onto. </p><p>“Well, <em> obviously</em>. I just never see ‘em on my night walks where I live. Lotta clouds over there, I guess,” Hide replied with a thoughtful look on his face, and Kaneki couldn’t help but smile again. </p><p>“Your night walks?”</p><p>Hide looked at him and beamed. “Uhuh! I like listening to music when I walk, but I always get sorta distracted. If I do it during the day, I run into people like crazy, so now I just take ‘em at night. It’s also kinda cool being the only one out,” he explained.</p><p>Kaneki’s stomach sank a little at the thought of Hide walking alone at night; you’re never truly alone here no matter how much you’ve convinced yourself otherwise. There’s always a ghoul or three lurking around somewhere, but he pushed the thought out of his mind.</p><p>“More like creepy.” Kaneki rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Nah, it’s fun! Gives me more time to listen to this cool band too. Beyond Cannibal, ever heard of ‘em? From what I’ve seen, the guitarist is pretty cute,” Hide said nonchalantly. </p><p>Kaneki kept his eyes locked on the sidewalk and tried to ignore the urge to vomit ... Somehow it was a positive feeling though. </p><p>“Is that so?” Kaneki mumbled, nervously tugging on his bottom lip with his other hand, “I’ve heard he’s a total dork.”</p><p>Hide snickered and swung their arms back and forth. “That just makes me like him even more!” </p><p>Kaneki shook his head and grinned before shoving Hide with his shoulder -- almost directly into a trash can too; pay back. </p><p>“Ghoul boy’s got strength!” Hide cackled as he stumbled.</p><p>Kaneki groaned and looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was close by. “It seems you have a bad habit of <em> shouting</em>.”</p><p>“Whoops.” Hide brought a hand up to his mouth. “My parents used to tell me that a lot too.”</p><p>Kaneki didn’t doubt it. </p><p>All too soon they were turning the corner and found themselves right back in the parking lot of the venue. Kaneki couldn’t help but push the walk a little further until he was pressed against the side of the van with Hide standing in front of him, torn between figuring out how to end the night and not wanting it to end at all.</p><p>The carefree attitude between them seemed to have evaporated completely, and now there was a tension in the air Kaneki wasn’t used to. His throat felt dry and his hands were shaky. </p><p>“So …,” Hide smiled timidly and put his hands in his pockets, shifting on his feet. This was the first time Kaneki had seen him acting almost … nervous. </p><p>“So …,” Kaneki replied, well aware he was just dragging it on at this point, but whatever. He wanted Hide to stick around.</p><p>He wanted him to stick around <em> so </em> bad, in fact, that he pushed against all the overly cautious parts of his personality screaming at him not to do anything stupid. Kaneki was never one to initiate <em> anything</em>, and even though he was sure Hide would’ve done something anyways, he forced himself to go first no matter how embarrassed he was.</p><p>“Can I have your number?” he blurted out. </p><p>Hide looked taken aback for a second, mouth parting slightly in surprise. “My … Wh-” He straightened up and gave that bright grin Kaneki had been itching to see again. “Sure!”</p><p>Kaneki’s shoulders dropped as he let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, wiggling his phone out of his skinny jeans with trembling fingers and handed it over to Hide -- who took it happily and tapped away at the screen, putting his number in and adding an emoji next to his contact name.</p><p>Kaneki snorted when he looked down at the screen … Hide … with a turtle emoji. </p><p>There was no way he was letting anyone in the band know that he’d gotten Hide’s number -- one, because they’d make fun of Kaneki for liking a fan, and two, because they would never shut up about it -- so he wouldn’t have anyone to remind him to text first. He just hoped his shit memory didn’t screw anything up.</p><p>Once the phone was back in his pocket and Kaneki looked up, the tension had returned, almost like it never left, and now he <em> really </em> had no clue what to do. How were you supposed to end something like this? What was this, a date? Oh god, was this a <em> date</em>? Kaneki gulped audibly.</p><p>Hide seemed to sense it too and frowned, staring intently into Kaneki’s eye that wasn’t covered; searching for something. It took everything in him not to squeak when Hide reached out and put his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders. </p><p>“I’m about to do something that might be real weird, and if you don’t like it, I give you full permission to kagune punch me through the stomach, yeah?”</p><p>Kaneki took a shaky breath and shook his head in confusion. “I would never hurt you.” He was sure Hide was joking, but he felt the need to say it anyways. </p><p>Hide rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh, giving Kaneki’s shoulder’s a gentle squeeze. “I know, dork. I just mean-”</p><p>Kaneki couldn’t help it, he didn’t know if it was because being a ghoul made him feel things more intensely, or if he really was just fucking crazy, but he did what his body was screaming at him to do; he lurched forward -- and kissed him. </p><p>Hide made a sound somewhere between a choke and a yell, breaking away from the kiss and looking absolutely dumbfounded. “Hey, how did you know what I was gonna do?” </p><p>Kaneki just laughed and pulled him back in, hands brushing through the hair he’s been thinking about touching since he met the guy … <em> today </em>… Wow, he really only met him today, huh? It felt like he’d known him for years, and this was something he’s been wishing for forever. </p><p>It wasn’t like the movies made it seem; there weren’t crazy fireworks going off inside Kaneki the moment their lips touched, but a small flame ignited within him nonetheless, coating his body in a warmth from the inside out. </p><p>Hide hummed against Kaneki’s lips, clearly trying to hold back a smile, and the vibration felt like it reached his toes as he wrapped his arms around Hide’s shoulders and felt the reassuring weight of his hands on Kaneki’s lower back, lightly rubbing the exposed skin through the cutouts in his shirt.</p><p>He felt unbelievably cold when they finally broke apart. </p><p>Hide immediately put some distance between them, seemingly worried he wasn’t allowed to touch Kaneki anymore now that the kiss was over, but he reached out for Hide’s hands as soon as they moved away and held them there between them; just to let him know it was okay.</p><p>“What would you say if I said I wanted to see you again?” Kaneki asked softly, looking down at his feet.</p><p>Hide replied with no hesitation. “I’d say you have terrible taste in men, but I’d love to spend another night annoying you if you’d let me.”</p><p>Kaneki barked out a laugh and kicked at his foot. “I think my taste in men is just fine. Maybe a little weird.”</p><p>“Only a little? I might just have to take that as a compliment!” </p><p>“You would,” Kaneki said with a wry smile.</p><p>Hide gazed fondly down at their hands. “Listen, I hate to cut our night short, but I should get going. I have to open up work tomorrow and it’s already, like, two in the morning.”</p><p>“Oh, shit, it is late, huh?” Kaneki looked around, like he didn’t already know how late it was. </p><p>The noise usually emitting from the bustling venue had died down to a low chatter that was likely just from regulars at the bar, and he had no idea where his band was. The van was still there though, so he assumed they were still hanging around the dressing room. He felt kind of bad making them wait so long.</p><p>“I guess I can let you go now,” he pouted.</p><p>“Thank you, your majesty,” Hide giggled and brought their hands up to plant a quick kiss against Kaneki’s knuckles before pulling away, “have a good night, you crazy rockstar. I’ll see you later, promise.”</p><p>Kaneki wished him a good night, watching as Hide turned around and headed away from the venue, down the street towards wherever it was he lived. </p><p>Kaneki had grown wary of silence since the band started, trying to avoid being alone as much as he possibly could so that sense of dread didn’t creep up on him, but now, standing here against the van all by himself, he couldn’t help but feel content. </p><p>He heaved a sigh and stared up at the stars, letting all the events from tonight sink in.</p><p>It was like that … <em> whatever </em>it was they just had … calmed his mind down, and that was something he wasn’t used to when he didn’t have a book or a guitar in his hands.</p><p>Well, his mind was feeling pretty calm until the door suddenly ripped open behind him and he was crashing down onto the van floor with a loud thud. </p><p>“What the hell?” he croaked, groaning as he lifted his head up slightly to rub a hand against it. </p><p>When he opened his eyes he was greeted with Tsukiyama and Banjou leaning over in their seats and staring down at him like he’d grown a second head, and when the reality of the situation sunk in, he desperately wished he was in front of the van getting run over instead of being inside it.</p><p>“Oh my god, you guys were in here the whole time?!” he whined and threw his hands over his face.</p><p>Instead of actually responding, or being a kind and courteous friend and pretending like nothing happened, Banjou burst out laughing louder than he’d ever heard before, and, yeah … Kaneki would definitely love to be run over right now. </p><p>Maybe if he stepped out and asked them politely, they’d do it. </p><p>“Y-you!” Banjou howled and wiped a tear away from his eye. “You had a full on makeout session against the van, you freak, that was terrible! We were forced to listen to the whole damn thing!” </p><p>Kaneki was <em> this </em>close to just launching himself onto Banjou’s seat and beating the crap out of him as he kept laughing, but he had his arms over his face too now -- because apparently this was just as embarrassing for everyone else involved. </p><p>Kaneki felt his whole body heat up like he’d been set on fire as the laughter continued, and had a brief moment of panic where he seriously thought he might melt into a puddle of mush. </p><p>“It seems our sweet little guitarist has found himself a lover!” Tsukiyama said with a teasing smile. He sat with one hand over his mouth as he held in his chuckles, but Kaneki noticed anyway by the way his shoulders were shaking. </p><p>He growled from his spot on the floor and reached out to swipe a fingernail against the singer’s shoe, Tsukiyama immediately gasping and yanking his foot up to his face to inspect it for any scratches; he knew that’d shut him up. </p><p>“How could you?! These were custom made!” Or maybe not. </p><p>He annoyedly blew his hair out of his face and crossed his arms, dramatically turning away from the other two and scowling when Banjou playfully shoved him before turning his attention back to Kaneki. </p><p>“With an attitude like that, I don’t think you’re fit to have a lover at all,” he muttered.</p><p>“Ignore the drama queen,” Banjou rolled his eyes, “spill.”</p><p>Kaneki sighed and sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest and leaning against the back of the driver's seat. “There’s nothing to spill. Don’t be nosy,” he chastised, pointing a disapproving finger at the drummer.</p><p>Banjou gaped at him. “You shoved your tongue down a stranger’s throat! There’s much to spill!” </p><p>Kaneki wailed noisily at that and put his hands over his ears. Since when did Banjou need to know everything that went on in his life? </p><p>“We heard you make the first move too, and now you’re all embarrassed,” he scoffed.</p><p>Kaneki flinched at the reminder that they really did hear everything; from the terrible flirting to the gross makeout noises. He sunk forward and pressed his face into his knees. Guess there was no way out of this one.</p><p>“... I met him today.”</p><p>“<em>Oooh</em>,” his band mates urged him on.</p><p>“And he’s a fan of ours.”</p><p>“<em>Oooh! </em>”</p><p>“Risqué!” Tsukiyama added, “I never pictured you being the type to go for a fan.”</p><p>And <em> that </em>is exactly why Kaneki didn’t want to bring it up. </p><p>“He's not just a fan,” Kaneki exhaled and pressed his fingers against his temples. He was way too tired for this. “He’s … special. He’s <em> Hide</em>.” </p><p>That didn’t mean anything to anyone but himself, he knew that, but it was the best way he could think to describe it. </p><p>“You’re talking about him like you’ve been in love for years,” Banjou noted and raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Oh, don’t make fun of him,” Tsukiyama tsked, leaning down to rest a hand on Kaneki’s arm, “maybe there is something different about this one, and he’s not just the … typical fan playing it cool to get in a musician’s pants.”</p><p>Kaneki straightened up and frowned. He hadn’t thought about that.</p><p>“Oh no.” Banjou crossed his arms, a worried look taking over his face. “Don’t tell me that wasn’t the first thing that came to mind.”</p><p>Kaneki stared back at him, confused. What did he mean? Should that have been the first thing he thought of? It’s not like Hide’s appearance screamed ‘groupie’, so he didn’t really feel the need to put his guard up. In fact, Hide’s presence had him wanting to tear all his guards <em> down</em>. </p><p>Tsukiyama gave him a sad smile. “People will put on all sorts of acts to get with someone in a band.” </p><p>No. Kaneki shook his head. They hadn’t met Hide. They had no idea what he was like or what Kaneki felt while they were together. There was no way it was all faked; the tangled legs under the table and the heartfelt conversation. The kiss. No one would go through all that just to sleep with someone and then dip, would they?</p><p>Well, maybe … Kaneki hadn’t been in a band long enough to have any firsthand experience with this sort of thing, but it seemed like it happened all the time -- like it was a common occurrence and he was being totally bamboozled without even realizing it.</p><p>Of course this would happen to him. Of course. The first time he catches feelings for someone he almost <em> dies</em>, and the second time he does, the other person just wants to brag about getting with a shitty guitarist from a rock band no one outside of Japan even knows.</p><p>Kaneki ran a hand through his hair, feeling absolutely crestfallen. “So, what, this just happens all the time? What’s he gonna do?”</p><p>“He might just get what he wants and then leave you high and dry, buddy,” Banjou said softly.</p><p>Kaneki looked back and forth between his band mates, searching for any sign that maybe they were just pulling some mean joke; messing with the new guy in the band. When he couldn’t find any, he balled his hands into fists against his knees, and felt like a child throwing a tantrum. </p><p>“Well, what if I don’t give him what he wants then?” Kaneki persisted. There <em> had </em>to be a way for this to turn out how he was hoping, right?</p><p>“Dunno,” he shrugged, “might get bored and then lie on some forum about how you were awful to him and get a bunch of people to boycott our shows or something. I’ve seen that happen a lot.”</p><p>“Banjou, you’re breaking his heart,” Tsukiyama pouted. For once, Kaneki was glad he spoke up.</p><p>He didn’t know if he could talk about this anymore, exhaling deeply and letting the tension in his fists release. Somehow, in just one night, he managed to go from feeling happier than he had in years, to feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. </p><p>He dropped his head down. “God, you’re right. Why the hell didn’t I think about that?” he mumbled.</p><p>It should’ve been obvious. Musicians never hung out with fans for a reason. A lot of them seem to only want one thing, and it’s hard to figure out who you can and can’t trust in the industry. </p><p>But he still felt that tug in his chest that was telling him Hide couldn’t have been just another fan trying to use him. </p><p>“Hey,” Banjou consoled, guilt trickling it’s way into his voice, “don’t take my word for it though. I’m just going off what I’ve seen in the scene over the years. Maybe you’re lucky! Maybe you got yourself a good one.” </p><p>Kaneki could hear the way his voice strained as he struggled to comfort him. He knew Banjou felt awkward doing it, but he appreciated the effort nonetheless. </p><p>Tsukiyama hummed in agreement and lifted Kaneki’s chin up with his finger. “We’re just making you aware of what happens around here -- so if things do go awry, at least you’re prepared. Do as your heart tells you, <em> chéri</em>.”</p><p>Kaneki’s eyes began to sting and his head ached from where he cracked it against the van earlier as he tried to think of a response, but nothing came to mind. </p><p>He couldn’t say much else after that anyways as Ayato and Hinami suddenly appeared, Ayato yanking the driver’s door open while Hinami plopped down in the passenger seat before throwing their bags in the back, narrowly avoiding Kaneki’s head.</p><p>“It’s about time!” Banjou shouted, and Kaneki scrambled up off the floor to seat himself between the two men. </p><p>He didn’t want to lie there the whole ride home and he wasn’t in the mood to discuss with Ayato what he was doing down there in the first place. </p><p>Kaneki could push his feelings to the back of his mind for now. He didn’t want to make the drive any more exhausting than it already would be for the band after such a long night anyways.</p><p>He could always whine about it some more to Banjou later too. If he’d let him.</p><p>Ayato gave an annoyed grunt before shoving his key into the ignition. “Uta and Itori thought it’d be a good idea to have a shot contest. Let’s just say Uta’s a pussy and Itori can drink like a sailor.”</p><p>“It was pretty entertaining though,” Hinami chimed in.</p><p>“You only say that because you didn’t have to clean up any puke.”</p><p>Kaneki cringed and sent a sympathetic glance Ayato’s way, but he pointedly ignored it. He may have been freaking out over some boy on the floor of the van, but at least he didn’t have to mop up anyone’s vomit.</p><p>“What have you motley crew been up to?” Ayato sighed as he backed up, clearly trying to change the subject as quickly as possible. He never actually cared what they were up to.</p><p>Banjou jerked forward and put his hands on the back of Hinami’s seat, leaning in towards the two in the front. “You’ll never believe who we caught playing tonsil hockey against the van earlier.”</p><p>Kaneki screeched and threw his hands in the air as he turned to face Banjou, bewildered, and Ayato slammed on the breaks before whipping around in his seat to stare at the other guitarist. </p><p>“Why are you such a gossip?!” Kaneki yelped. His desire to sit around and mope drained from his body completely, and was now taken over by the strong urge to kick the man in front of him out of the car. Was it just a drummer thing to be a complete asshole?</p><p>Banjou looked back and shrugged, clinging extra hard to the passenger seat so the sudden stop didn’t send him flying through the windshield. “Bored.”</p><p>“With <em> who</em>?” Ayato asked, face scrunched up in disgust, “Shuu?”</p><p>Kaneki gaped at him and Tsukiyama cackled. “No, it wasn’t Shuu!” he cried.</p><p>“Though, I’m sure it could happen in the future. I’ve been told I’m quite irresistible,” Tsukiyama smirked as he straightened his tie. </p><p>Kaneki glared and fleetingly considered gagging him with it … Not like <em> that</em>.</p><p>“I don’t think anyone’s told you that. Ever,” Ayato replied, very unimpressed. Kaneki had to agree.</p><p>“Some dude -- a fan!” Banjou laughed, practically in stitches over it, and <em> why </em>he felt the need to add that last part in when he knew Ayato would give him hell for it later, Kaneki had no idea.</p><p>Hinami smiled excitedly and squished her face between her hands, her body twisted awkwardly against her seat belt to face them. “Kaneki has a boyfriend!” she shouted.</p><p>He breathed loudly through his nose and sunk down in his seat. This couldn’t have gone any worse. </p><p>First he was on a spontaneous date (?) that left him all sorts of flustered, then he was being made fun of, then he was crying, and then he was being made fun of <em> again</em>.</p><p>He was done with this. The van smelled like sweat, sweat, and more sweat no matter how much cologne Tsukiyama tried to drown himself in and he was pretty sure Banjou was drunk; he had to be. Kaneki wanted to go home. </p><p>“Can we <em> go</em>?” he begged. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Ayato muttered and waved a hand to shut him up, “but,” he continued, pointing a finger at Kaneki with a glare, “if you’re little boytoy fucks up anything with the band, I will seriously rip his limbs off.”</p><p>“Like hell you will!” Kaneki objected. He didn’t even want the two to ever be in the same room together, let alone get close enough for Ayato to hurt him. He still felt the need to protect Hide no matter how much the previous conversation was nagging at him. </p><p>Kaneki had a feeling Ayato wouldn’t do anything anyways. </p><p>Though Ayato quickly pushed up from his seat with his fist pulled back to prove that, yes, he absolutely would. Banjou reached over and shoved him back down. </p><p>“I’m serious. Don’t test me,” Ayato snarled, settling down in his seat and turning back to the wheel.</p><p>“So hostile!” Tsukiyama fervently clapped his hands. “What for, <em> monsieur</em>? … That time of the month?”</p><p>Oh god. </p><p>Kaneki braced himself for the inevitable attack, so he wasn’t as shocked when Ayato practically catapulted out of his seat and launched himself at the singer, momentarily strangled by his own seat belt. </p><p>Kaneki leaned his head back and rubbed his eyes with his index finger and thumb until his vision went fuzzy behind his eyelids. </p><p>He could already feel a headache coming on, and with the shrieks coming from the seat next to him combined with the obnoxious clapping and singing of Banjou and Hinami (“Kaneki has a boyfriend! Kaneki has a boyfriend!”), he wouldn’t be surprised if it lasted the whole week.</p><p>*</p><p>“Ahhhhhh!”</p><p>Kaneki stopped his strumming and glanced over at Ayato, who had a pained expression, arms crossed and feet tapping impatiently against the floor.</p><p>“AHHHHHHH!”</p><p>Uta startled as he looked up from his computer then and turned to face the rest of the band, bemused. Hinami was lying on the floor with a book in her hand and her legs up against the wall, so she didn’t even notice. Banjou was asleep sitting up.</p><p>“AH-”</p><p>“Oh my fucking god.” Ayato shot up from the couch and stomped over to the control panel on the other side of the room, leaning over it to slam his fist against the window that looked into the recording booth.</p><p>Tsukiyama jolted at the banging noise, knocking his headphones askew and staring back from the other side of the glass. “What’d I do?” </p><p>Kaneki snorted and Ayato turned to frown at him. “You’re supposed to be getting ready to <em> sing</em>, not screaming like a dying cat.”</p><p>Tsukiyama scoffed and pressed a hand to his chest. “These are my warm-ups! I learned them from the best of the best actually -- paid thousands for the lessons I received.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry a shitty vocal coach scammed you out of that much money,” Ayato replied, false pity dripping from every word he spoke. </p><p>“Oh, you’re sorely mistaken. She was amazing! Look, I’ll show you how to do it for free,” he winked, “chin up, shoulders back, mouth wide, and AH-”</p><p>“Okay!” Uta pushed back in his chair and clapped his hands, effectively silencing Tsukiyama who looked back with a pout. “Think that’s enough warming up for now, yeah? Let's lay down the vocals for the first song. You got the lyrics pulled up?”</p><p>Tsukiyama nodded with a smile and held up his notebook before leaning it against the stand in front of him. </p><p>“Great, now let's hear that ...” Uta clicked around a few times on his computer. “<em>Beautiful </em> voice of yours.”</p><p>Kaneki shook his head and smiled before turning his attention back to his guitar, lightly strumming through their newer songs and random scales to get his hands prepared for his turn to record.</p><p>Tour may have been over, but that didn’t mean work stopped. Every break they had while on the road was filled with songwriting and jam sessions, trying to come up with any riff or melody possible to add to their next album that’d been in the works for a while now. </p><p>Now they were just in the process of picking out, polishing, and recording the songs they thought were best in order to create a strong, cohesive sound for their next release. </p><p>Over the years Kaneki’s gotten significantly better when it came to playing <em> and </em>songwriting too -- having a hardass like Ayato pushing him so often made him improve a lot quicker -- and he had a feeling this was going to be their best album yet. </p><p>He looked up when he heard the low sound of the instruments they’d recorded the day before starting up through Tsukiyama’s headphones, and then he started singing, Uta scooting closer in his chair and working away on his computer, pressing buttons on the panel next to him every now and then.</p><p>It may have been Uta’s studio, but at this point Kaneki considered it a second home. It basically was with how often the band was here to record or hang out, brainstorming ideas for new songs or drawing up concepts for different stage outfits. It was a cramped room hidden in the back of the mask shop Uta owned, walls lined with creepy paintings and band posters, the room doused in a warm light. It was almost always loud in here too, but it was cozy nonetheless. </p><p>Kaneki sighed then and gently set his guitar down on the floor before relaxing back against the couch. For some reason he felt disrespectful practicing whenever someone else was recording; it’s like there was a mini performance happening right in front of him and he was just ignoring it. </p><p>Tsukiyama had a surprisingly nice voice too, when he wasn’t imitating a dying cat. His voice flowed well over the lyrics he’d written just a few days ago, straining at times to get the emotion across and picking up to a slight growl when the guitars got louder. Yeah, Kaneki had a good feeling about this one. </p><p>Ayato nudged him with his elbow. “Guess those warm-ups did help after all.”</p><p>“Seems like it. Maybe you should trust his process every once in a while,” Kaneki said with a grin.</p><p>Ayato gave a short laugh. “Fuck <em> that</em>.”</p><p>Kaneki rolled his eyes and was just about to reply when his phone vibrated in his pocket, interrupting him. He felt his heart sink. </p><p>When he pulled it out to quickly check the notification though, it was just an alert about needing to pay his phone bill soon. Which made sense. Kaneki didn’t know why he got so nervous every time his phone went off now when <em> he </em>was the one with Hide’s number -- not the other way around.</p><p>But the little vibrations and <em> dings </em>just served as a terrible reminder that made him feel a little sick every time he heard them.</p><p>“You’re a dumbass, you know that, right?” Ayato asked.</p><p>Kaneki’s eyes widened before a frown took over his face and he turned to look at the guitarist next to him. What the hell was that for?</p><p>“Just text him already, stupid.” He crossed his arms. “You’ve been all emo for days now and it’s annoying.”</p><p>Kaneki stiffened for a moment before deflating completely, sighing and looking down at his hands. He didn’t realize he’d been acting weird enough for anyone to notice, <em> and </em>know exactly what he was upset about -- especially Ayato, of all people. Ayato was about as perceptive as a box of rocks.</p><p>“I … I can’t,” Kaneki mumbled, “if I let anything happen it would just end in disappointment anyways. He doesn’t like me the way I thought he did.”</p><p>“You think he’s gonna hit it and leave,” Ayato noted.</p><p>“Don’t say it like <em> that</em>!” Kaneki squeaked and smacked his arm. <em> Hit it and leave</em>, god, he could punch him.</p><p>He could tell Ayato was suppressing the urge to hit him back as hard as he could as he closed his eyes and huffed. </p><p>“Well,” he started, “I’m letting you know right now, no groupie would ever put in that much work just to get you naked. So quit being dumb, and text him already. Seriously. You look like you’re gonna cry all the time now and it’s … gross.”</p><p>“You have such a way with words, Ayato,” Hinami hummed from her spot on the floor.</p><p>Ayato pulled a pillow out from behind his back and threw it at her head; she didn’t even look up from her book.</p><p>Kaneki crossed his arms then and focused his eyes on Tsukiyama instead, watching as he added more layers on top of what he finished singing just a moment ago. “I’m not doing it.”</p><p>“What’s your <em> problem</em>?” Ayato groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, “you like him … so you should text him. Isn’t that what normal people do?”</p><p>“Guess I’m not ‘normal people’,” he replied, trying his hardest to tune him out.</p><p>In reality, Kaneki wanted nothing more than to rip his phone out of his pocket the second he got home that night and text Hide immediately. He wanted to tell him how nice it’d been to be around someone new and not feel like he was suffocating, that he wanted to see him again, that he wanted to see him all the <em> time</em>. </p><p>But that talk with his band mates had thrown him off. He knew that wasn’t their intention -- they were just looking out for him -- but they unknowingly planted a seed of doubt inside him that just wouldn’t go away; one that was blooming bigger and bigger every second. That combined with Kaneki’s already present anxiousness and insecurity about everything had him a full blown, sulky mess. And apparently it was obvious.</p><p>Kaneki just didn’t think he could handle the whirlwind of emotions he’d experience if he went on a real date with him, and once Hide weaseled what he wanted out of him, leaving; or worse, dragging it out in hopes that Kaneki would give in, and inevitably getting bored. Kaneki was well aware he wasn’t the most interesting person, and he was sure Hide would get fed up with it eventually.</p><p>He was shaken out of his thoughts at the feeling of Ayato leaning over him and shoving his hand into Kaneki’s pocket.</p><p>Kaneki shrieked and jumped in his seat, trying to push him away because, <em> ew </em> -- they’d never been this close before, and Kaneki <em> hated </em>it. </p><p>“What are you - <em> eugh! </em>” He slapped at Ayato’s chest until the other guitarist was finally off of him, standing up from the couch and walking to the other side of the room.</p><p>Kaneki’s breathing was erratic as he placed a hand over his chest to calm his racing heart and noticed a glint of something shiny in Ayato’s hand.</p><p>He squinted. That wasn’t his … No. Was it?</p><p>Kaneki reached down to pat his pocket, and when he wasn’t greeted by the feeling he was hoping for, his heart sank for the second time. He instantly leapt off the couch and sprinted over to where Ayato was casually standing next to Uta, trying his hardest not to disturb the recording process, but <em> fuck</em>, Ayato had his fucking <em> phone</em>!</p><p>His face was flushed red as he eagerly reached out to snatch it from Ayato’s hand, but he instinctively put his arm out to block it without even looking up from the screen. Kaneki growled inwardly; Ayato’s always been faster than him.</p><p>“Ayato,” he hissed and reached out again. Block.</p><p>Again. Block.</p><p>Again. This time Ayato grabbed onto his arm and pushed it backward, effectively twisting Kaneki’s whole body around and almost making him face-plant onto the floor as he stumbled.</p><p>Kaneki corrected his balance and stood there, fuming in silence. Goddamn Ayato and his catlike reflexes. He had a feeling he knew exactly what Ayato was doing too, and the thought alone had him wanting to jump out of the nearest window.</p><p>After a few moments of silence and Ayato doing <em> whatever</em>, Kaneki gave up. </p><p>“Are you doing what I think you’re doing?” he asked miserably, slowly putting his hand out in a pathetic attempt to get his phone back again. </p><p>To Kaneki’s surprise, Ayato handed it over this time. “Duh.”</p><p>And with that, Ayato walked away and sat himself next to Hinami on the floor, saying nothing more than, “you should put a password on your phone.”</p><p>When Kaneki looked down at his recent texts, all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut and try not to <em> die</em>. </p><p>*</p><p>Don’t get him wrong, Hide knew he was the farthest thing from a lady’s man (or a … man’s man?), a decent flirt, a hunk, <em> whatever</em>, but he knew -- or he <em> thought </em>-- that he did a pretty good job of sweeping Kaneki off his feet that night, and was hoping for a text sometime soon after. Maybe even the same night.</p><p>Except that’s not what happened at all. Hide got nothing. Nothing! Not a call, not a text, not a letter, not a … carrier pigeon; he didn’t get anything! And Hide would be lying if he said it didn’t bother him. </p><p>He’d already whined to Nishio about it a million times in the span of just a few days, and had been contemplating heading over to his dorm to do it all over again, but he was sure Nishio’s head would explode by then and he’d probably run Hide’s through a wall too.</p><p>Which is why, when Hide’s phone went off with a notification from an unknown number, he nearly screamed and threw his phone across the room.</p><p>So he had the personality of an overdramatic teenage girl, whatever. </p><p>He sat down on the squeaky couch and unlocked his phone, pushing dirty clothes and wrappers out of the way before nervously hitting the message icon.  </p><p><b>Unknown Number:</b> <em> hey, sorry it took me so long to text you. i’ve been busy (and i’m an idiot). wanna meet up tomorrow? ... it’s kaneki btw. </em></p><p>Oh okay, so he was just busy. He <em> didn’t </em>hate Hide! Hooray!</p><p>He wasn’t sure what the ‘idiot’ comment was about, but he couldn’t focus on it too much anyways as his heart leapt into this throat at the thought of getting to see him again. </p><p>Hide replied instantly. He wasn’t a fan of the whole ‘wait __ minutes to text them back’ thing.</p><p><b>Hide:</b> <em>don’t worry about it! of course i do :) meet me at that coffee shop in 20th @ like 2? think it’s called anteiku.</em></p><p>Hide still didn’t know a ton about Kaneki, even after their little diner date, so he wasn’t too sure where the best place to meet up would be. He knew not to pick anything crazy though, because even though Kaneki was wild on stage and in the coolest band <em> ever </em>, Hide knew he was far from the rockstar stereotype in nearly every way.</p><p>But they’d met in a coffee shop, so it seemed fitting to go to another one; just to be safe. He hoped Kaneki didn’t think it was a stupid idea.</p><p>He replied much faster than Hide was expecting, like he was waiting with the phone in his hand too, and Hide couldn’t help but smile a bit. </p><p><b>Kaneki &lt;3: </b> <em> sounds good. cya then! </em></p><p>He pouted a little at his phone. Guess that was the last text then.</p><p>He was hoping to get a little more conversation than that out of the guy after days of complete silence, but oh well. Hide would take whatever he could get at this point. </p><p>Hide bit his lip and smiled as he leaned his head back against the couch. It felt like all his anxiety had been magically whisked away, and now he was jittery with an excitement that was <em> very </em>intense -- even for him. </p><p>What should he wear? Something flashy so Kaneki would remember him and <em> definitely </em>not forget to text him this time? Something casual? Oh, should he bring a gift?!</p><p>If Nishio thought he was annoying <em> now</em>, just wait until Hide came bursting into his dorm later. He was never going to shut up about this.</p><p>*</p><p>Hide was sweating … like, a lot. </p><p>He was nervous as all hell and couldn’t stop bouncing on his feet and he <em> knew </em> it was driving the other people on the bus crazy but he couldn’t <em> help </em>it, and he even almost asked the guy next to him if he had any deodorant he could borrow -- but he quickly crossed the idea out in his mind, because he didn’t want to seem like an even bigger weirdo, and also, that’s kind of gross.  </p><p>He almost walked to the place too, but he was already freaking out enough and knew that a walk definitely wouldn’t help his pit stain issue, so he opted for a quick bus ride instead. At least he had a jacket on, so Kaneki likely wouldn’t notice his sweaty problem. He hoped, anyway.</p><p>He shook his hands out nervously as he made the short walk from the bus stop to Anteiku, trying his hardest not to run into people as he went, because this time it wasn’t music distracting him, but his own annoying ass <em> thoughts</em>.</p><p>Like: What was going on between them now? Did Kaneki want to take it all back and just be friends -- was this a <em> friend </em> date? Were they friends? Wait, was this a date <em> at all</em>? <em> Oh my god.  </em></p><p>He hadn’t been nervous about spending time with Kaneki a few days ago, sure, but that was completely different. It was. He hadn’t really had time to think about what he was doing then and just sort of ... word vomited until Kaneki agreed to go to the diner with him -- and then they <em> kissed</em>, and that really didn’t sink in until a few hours later. </p><p>Now everything felt <em> way </em>too real, and he didn’t know how to handle it. </p><p>Nothing felt real after a show anyways. It’s like the music and the environment got you drunker than the strongest alcohol you could ever get your hands on, and Hide was able to just say and do whatever he wanted with ease that night.</p><p>But now, he wasn’t loose, post-show Hide. He was dorky, nervous, just got off work, sweaty, Hide -- has <em> kissed Kaneki </em> Hide, and that made things kind of scary.</p><p>He shook his head and rounded the corner then, his body tensing up a little at the sight of the coffee shop just a few feet away from him now. He made sure to pick a place he was at least a little familiar with; he’d been here a few times now, and it was nice, from what he remembered.</p><p>It had a homey feeling to it that comforted him a bit, and he was sure Kaneki would appreciate it too, and <em> oh fuck</em>, he could see Kaneki through the window. Hide was going to pass out.</p><p>He took a breath so deep he thought his lungs might pop and pulled the door open, exhaling slowly as he entered. </p><p>Hide was immediately hit with the overwhelming scent of coffee, coffee, and more coffee and the buzz of the typical sounds; glasses clinking, coffee brewing, low voices. He turned his head to Kaneki’s table, and lo and behold, Kaneki was looking right back at him, his eyes jumping up instantly at the sound of the bell above the door.</p><p>Cute.</p><p>Hide waved his hand frantically at the guitarist and drew a few eyes in both of their directions. Kaneki scrunched his nose up in embarrassment, but whatever, Hide was excited! </p><p>Kaneki gave a shy wave back and Hide couldn’t help but practically skip over to his table in the corner of the room, noisily pulling the chair out in front of him, and plopping down in his seat. He felt his nervousness seemingly slip off of his body and fall to the floor the second he sat down, like just seeing Kaneki’s face was the cure for it all.</p><p>“You make quite the entrance,” Kaneki said, amused. </p><p>Hide rested his chin in his palm. “Well, hello to you too, rockstar.”</p><p>“Don’t call me that,” he replied softly, biting back a smile. </p><p>“Oh, sorry, what should I call you instead? Snowflake, snowball, Snow <em> White</em>. Get it? Cause of the hair. Wait, that doesn’t make sense, does it-” Kaneki pushed a cup in his direction with an eye roll. “Oh, thanks!”</p><p>“It should still be warm, but I can order you a new one if it’s not. I made sure they put as much cream and sugar in it as possible, as if you <em> need </em>any sugar right now. Or caffeine.”</p><p>“Ah, I could always use a little caffeine in my system!” he grinned and took a sip and, yep, definitely cold, but he hid his grimace well.</p><p>He wasn’t going to make Kaneki pay for another one though, so he’d suffer through it -- and he wasn’t going to go up and buy his own either. The girl who worked here was kind of scary.</p><p>“I disagree,” Kaneki chuckled and tapped against the book that rested under his hand. It didn’t look like a novel though, more like a sketchbook. </p><p>Hide couldn’t get over how <em> good </em> Kaneki looked, and in an instant, Hide was sweating all over again. Oh god, could Kaneki <em> smell </em>it? With his ghoul nose n’ stuff? Ugh.</p><p>It was nice seeing the other out of his typical band attire though -- even though he’d seen him kind of like this once before -- but even then he was a little dressed up with the leather jacket and everything. Now he was just in a plain, black, oversized sweater, skinny jeans, and his signature eye patch (what was that about?), and the only word Hide could think to describe him was <em> soft </em>. </p><p>He wanted to hold his hand. But he’d hold back for a while.</p><p>Maybe he’d do it later when Kaneki wasn’t as stiff as a board; he definitely seemed less nervous than the last time they’d seen each other, but Hide could tell there was still something bothering him in the way he sat, picked at his nails, stared back at Hide with this <em> look </em>. </p><p>Hide had a feeling he knew what it was though as a tense silence seemed to fall over them for a moment, Kaneki tapping absentmindedly against his cup now and Hide raking his eyes over Kaneki’s face for ... <em> something</em>. </p><p>After some deliberation, Hide decided to just bite the bullet and say it. If this went bad, he could just handle feeling stupid about it later.</p><p>“This is a date,” he said -- not a question, but a statement. Hide wanted to be totally clear about what was going on here, at least in his mind, so things didn’t get weird. </p><p>Kaneki jumped a little, eyes widening in surprise before turning his head to the side, flustered. “I ... Yeah I sort of assumed it was, but I wasn’t sure. Thank you for clarifying.” </p><p>Hide couldn’t tell if that was sarcasm or not but he gave an ecstatic grin either way as some of the tension seemed to defuse, and finally reached over the table to grab Kaneki’s hand, squeezing it. His nails were painted red this time ... cute!</p><p>Kaneki didn’t hesitate to squeeze back, then turned his hand over to play with Hide’s fingers, and <em> wow, </em>Hide was close to having a heart attack. This shouldn’t have been making him feel as insane as it was.</p><p>Kaneki’s fingertips were rough and his palms soft, surprisingly warm and gentle for someone so aggressive on stage, sliding his fingers against metal strings all night, every night. Hide loved it.</p><p>But then Kaneki yanked his hand away like he’d been electrocuted and put it in his lap instead.</p><p>Hide’s eyebrows furrowed in concern as he looked up to meet Kaneki’s eyes, feeling like a kicked puppy. Was he coming on too strong? He didn’t think he was ... They did already makeout against a van, so hand holding didn’t seem like a big deal after all that. To Hide, at least. </p><p>Apparently the whole ‘is this a date’ thing wasn’t the only thing bothering Kaneki after all. Huh.</p><p>“What’s-”</p><p>“I have a question,” Kaneki cut him off. </p><p>Hide’s mouth closed in a tight line and he straightened up in his seat and nodded. Kaneki could ask him anything he wanted to; really, anything, but he wasn’t expecting their little coffee date to get so serious. </p><p>Hide reached down for his cup and held it up to his face, just so he had something to do with his hands while he anxiously waited, and sipped gently at his <em> very </em>cold coffee. </p><p>Kaneki stared back at him, his hand tight around the sketchbook and a blush so intense on his face it was starting to reach his ears, and Hide had <em> no idea </em> what that was about. Did Hide do something? He racked his brain for what he could’ve done, what Kaneki was thinking, what he could possibly be about to ask -- but for once, he was drawing a blank. </p><p>“Do you want to have sex with me?”</p><p>If Hide had tensed up any harder, he’s pretty sure coffee would’ve shot out of his nose, because ... <em> huh</em>?</p><p>He carelessly set his cup down and coughed loudly into his arm, briefly noting that this sort of scenario has happened a couple of times between them now, hasn’t it? </p><p>He felt Kaneki’s hands shoot across the table to rest on his arms as he leaned forward, a stuttering mess. “W-wait, I didn’t mean it like that! Well, I guess I kinda did, but I shouldn’t have said it that way! I just ... <em> Ugh</em>.” He let go of Hide and put his head in his hands. </p><p>Hide ran the back of his hand across his mouth in a daze, wiping away the few drops of coffee he spit out on accident, and looked around the shop to see if they’d drawn any more unwanted attention to themselves. They hadn’t, somehow. Thank god.</p><p>Wait, so ... Hide still didn’t understand what that question was for<em> at all </em> and <em> why </em> it was bugging Kaneki so much. Did ... did he want Hide to have sex with him, like, <em> right now </em> -- because Hide wouldn’t object, or no, maybe he would, but- </p><p>“What I meant to say was,” Kaneki started, his voice muffled as his face was still buried in his hands, “are you doing all of this just to sleep with me ... because I’m in a band? I don’t want to just assume that, because that’s rude, but I-”</p><p><em> Oh</em>.</p><p>“Kaneki.”</p><p>“- talked to some of the guys the other night and they totally got in my head about it, and now I’m sort of freaking out because I really do like you, and if you were doing all of this just to-”</p><p>“Kaneki.”</p><p>“- get in my pants, I’d feel like a complete idiot, and, god, I don’t <em> know</em>. I just <em> like you</em>.”</p><p>Hide counted to five in his head.</p><p>“ ... Are you done?” he asked.</p><p>Kaneki separated his fingers a bit so Hide could see his one eye between them, and nodded.</p><p>“Cool, so ... Listen to me,” he said, reaching out to take Kaneki’s hands off his face. It took him a minute, but Kaneki finally gave in and let them rest in Hide’s. “I’m sure getting in your pants would be lots of fun, but I also just like kissing you and watching you get excited over authors I’ve never heard of.” </p><p>Kaneki stiffened and worried his lip between his teeth. “ ... Yeah?”</p><p>“<em>Hell </em> yeah!” Hide replied, definitely too loud, and vigorously shook Kaneki’s hands to prove his point. He lit up at the sight of Kaneki finally cracking a smile, jostling in his seat with Hide’s movements. </p><p><em> Hell yeah</em>, he thought again. Absolutely. He wasn’t some douchebag looking to sleep with someone because they were ‘famous’. He was a music dweeb who managed to meet his favorite guitarist, and said guitarist just so happened to be even more amazing than Hide could’ve ever imagined. </p><p>Hide wanted to <em> be </em> with him -- that definitely included sex though. Sex was cool. Sex with Kaneki would be <em> extra </em>cool too, probably.</p><p>“Okay, okay, I get it,” Kaneki giggled, pulling a hand out to rest it on top of Hide’s so he’d calm down, “sorry for asking. I didn’t even think you would do something like that, but-”</p><p>“But you’re you, so when someone brought it up, you worried yourself to death over it,” Hide finished for him.</p><p>Kaneki sheepishly looked down at the table. “Yep.”</p><p>“Aha, see.” He tapped a finger against his head. “I know everything. Kind of. Definitely didn’t expect you to ask me about fucking in public though.”</p><p>Kaneki flailed his hands around in embarrassment and whacked Hide with his book. “<em>Enough</em>. Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“Yes, sir!” Hide put his hands up in surrender. “ ... But just know, I’m serious, and I’ll read every book you obsess over even if I don’t like it, just to have an excuse to talk to you. I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>Kaneki twisted his mouth to the side. “You’re grossly romantic.”</p><p>“You love it,” Hide teased. Kaneki didn’t say anything back, but he had a glint in his eye that let Hide know he absolutely did. </p><p>After a few passing moments, just a second where Hide let himself back off enough for both of them to breathe and move past the craziness that had occurred, he spoke up again.</p><p>“So,” he clicked his tongue, “tell me more about you. Not crazy band life, not what you’re working on now, tell me about <em> Kaneki Ken</em>.”</p><p>Kaneki's face contorted in a way that made it clear he didn’t really want to, but Hide wouldn’t let up. “C’mon,” he whined, “I want to know more about the man behind the music."</p><p>Kaneki huffed and opened up the sketchbook Hide had been curious about since he arrived, and a quick glance made it clear what it was; he was working on album art. He pulled a pen out from his pocket and began filling in blank spots to avoid eye contact. </p><p>“My life has somehow been a clusterfuck of both intense boredom and absolute chaos,” Kaneki warned.</p><p>“Fine by me!” Hide grinned, “tell me whatever you want. The boring and the crazy.”</p><p>Kaneki gave him a look, but a smile tugged at his lips nonetheless as he slowly began telling his story -- and yeah, Kaneki wasn’t lying; his life had been absolutely chaotic, and honestly kind of sad. But even the boring parts didn’t come off as boring at all because, well, <em> Kaneki </em>was the one talking about it. </p><p>He brushed past the events of his mom passing and moving in with his aunt, a wall sort of coming up around him as he spoke, and Hide decided not to push that one, instead comfortingly rubbing his thumb across the back of Kaneki’s hand. </p><p>Then he launched into a short story about applying to Kamii and the joy he felt at getting in, like all those grueling years of studying hard in high school had finally paid off, and Hide was absolutely <em> swooning </em>over the way the guitarist talked so passionately about his major; about all the books he had to read and loved, which of course Hide didn’t understand at all, but it made him happy anyways.</p><p>(“Hey, I went to Kamii!” Hide butted in, “my friend does too, but he’s doing some medical junk, so he’ll be in school awhile ... Man that <em> sucks</em>. I dropped out not even a quarter through the first year -- decided to go with the flow of life instead.”</p><p>“What a Hide thing to do,” he smirked.</p><p>“Right?!”)</p><p>His face got this faraway look on it as he talked about Rize, about how excited he had been before their date, the rush of confidence he’d felt at a girl like <em> that </em> agreeing to go on a date with <em> him </em>(Hide didn’t know what he meant by that, because Kaneki was absolutely perfect, but he didn’t say anything), and how it all ended with the last thing he ever expected to happen in his life. Hide’s heart squeezed as he listened.</p><p>(“So that’s what the eye patch is all about!”</p><p>“Yep.” Kaneki rubbed a finger over the white fabric on his face. “One eye,” he whispered.</p><p>Hide knocked his foot under the table. “You’re special.”)</p><p>Then he finally spoke about the band. How they met, the hell he’d been through the night before he joined, his first show, and how he loved everyone in that damn band with every fibre of his being (“But don’t tell them that, they’ll make fun of me!”). Hide could see it on his face that he meant it; he was practically glowing as he spoke about each member, even though some of them annoyed Kaneki more than others, and how much their music really meant to him. </p><p>Hide smiled fondly at him and Kaneki blushed, quickly looking back down at his sketchbook; he could tell Kaneki felt like he’d talked too much, but Hide didn’t mind at all. </p><p>“I’m really glad you met them,” Hide said, once it seemed like Kaneki was done. He’d never heard anyone talk so intensely about certain things before, and by the time Kaneki stopped, Hide’s heart felt ... full. </p><p>Their coffee had been finished ages ago, the waitress coming over once to ask if they wanted any refills, speaking in a teasing voice that made it clear her and Kaneki knew each other -- but Kaneki seemed too talked-out to elaborate, and Hide didn’t mind much anyways because, again, she’s <em> scary</em>. </p><p>Kaneki had managed to fill up an entire page in his book during their conversation too, doodling random figures and flowers, blacking out certain parts and going over them in red marker. It was relaxing to watch.</p><p>“Me too,” Kaneki sighed, finally putting the cap back on his pen and shutting the book closed, “I’m glad I met ... <em> you</em>.”</p><p>Hide snorted and put an arm out to flick Kaneki’s forehead, the guitarist swatting his hand away with a grumble. “And you say <em> I’m </em>grossly romantic.”</p><p>Kaneki rolled his eyes. “Fine, maybe we both are. You’re just more obnoxious about it.”</p><p>Hide hummed and pushed himself up, leaning forward until they were nose to nose. “I’m the <em> most </em>obnoxious, so you better get used to it.”</p><p>And then he kissed him.</p><p>*</p><p>The next few months seemed to go by in a blur. </p><p>After their first official date, Kaneki somehow felt even more relaxed around Hide. Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders as he finally sat down with someone and talked in depth about his crazy ass life, and even better, Hide didn’t care about any of it.</p><p>Well, of course he <em> cared</em>. He was Hide after all -- but he wasn’t <em> bothered </em>by any of it. He didn’t mind that being with Kaneki automatically meant he was stepping into a world much more terrifying than his own, no matter how many times Kaneki tried to assure him that he could leave if he wanted to. Hide didn’t care.</p><p>He wanted to be with Kaneki, which meant he wanted to deal with <em> all </em>of him; ghoul friends, ghoul world, and all. He’d stay with Kaneki no matter what. Even if it hurt him, even if it killed him. Kaneki thought that was ridiculous. </p><p>They were practically attached at the hip after that, calling each other ‘boyfriend’ just the next day, and spending nearly every second together when Kaneki wasn’t too busy. </p><p>Hide loved when he would drop by his work after a day at the studio -- a record shop in town close to Kaneki’s apartment -- to play snippets of what the band had finished so far through Kaneki’s cheap earphones; Hide always groaned when he had to put them in, insisting Kaneki needed to get a decent pair one of these days (“You’re a <em> musician</em>, stop using shitty ones!”).</p><p>They had more movie dates at Hide’s place than Kaneki could count, all starting with corny horror flicks and laughter, and ending in soft kisses and wandering hands. They’d wake up the next morning and cuddle until noon, somehow migrating to the floor where Hide sifted through CDs he was able to take home after organizing random piles at work, while Kaneki sat and wrote lyric ideas on his hand. </p><p>Sometimes they’d play guitar together too, or Hide would just watch him. Both activities had Kaneki feeling just as warm and fuzzy.</p><p>To put it simply, Kaneki felt great. He felt nothing more than the typical stress all ghouls face as well as the craziness that came with completing an album, but he could handle it. Though there was <em> one </em>thing that had him a little nervous, and it was something he’d been putting off since he got Hide’s number that night. </p><p>That was, introducing Hide to the rest of the band. </p><p>It’s not like he was worried they wouldn’t like Hide, because <em> everyone </em> likes Hide. It’s just, his band members are ... weird. They’re over the top and loud, very in your face, and not afraid to speak their minds <em> ever</em>, though that mostly applied to two of them in particular. He wasn’t worried so much about Hinami or Banjou, really; Banjou was polite (sometimes), and Hinami was a sweetheart.</p><p>Tsukiyama and Ayato were the idiots he was nervous about bringing Hide around. He didn’t know what to expect from either of them; they already embarrassed Kaneki to death over his boyfriend when Hide wasn’t even there, he could only imagine the shenanigans they’d pull once they finally met him. </p><p>He didn’t know if Ayato would suddenly have a change of heart and fling Hide across the room, or if Tsukiyama would ... be himself ... That alone was worrisome. </p><p>He just didn’t want them to scare Hide away, is all. Like one look at what the band was really like, and not through the ‘rock n’ roll lens’ that most people had on them, would have Hide running for the hills the second he stepped foot into their apartment. “<em>Oh, </em> this <em> is who you hang out with all the time? I’m out</em>,” is all Kaneki could picture him saying. </p><p>But he couldn’t avoid it any longer now -- he didn’t have much of a <em> choice </em>-- and it seemed like it was finally time to just man up and let it happen. </p><p>Uta had sent a text to their group chat claiming he had <em> very </em>important band related news to share with them, and to meet up at the apartment later that evening so he could tell them what it was. He’d insisted Kaneki bring his ‘cute little friend’ too, because apparently it was something Hide also needed to know. For some reason. </p><p>So now they stood in front of Kaneki’s apartment, having taken a bus from Hide’s, and Kaneki was a <em> mess</em>. He was biting his nails and shifting on his feet as he stared at the door, Hide comfortingly rubbing at his shoulders.</p><p>“Calm down, you’re all stiff. Do I have to tell you not to lock your knees like it’s your wedding day, so you don’t faint?” Hide snickered, lowering his hands from Kaneki’s shoulders to wrap around his waist instead. </p><p>Kaneki leaned back against him and closed his eyes. “I’m worried they’ll freak you out.”</p><p>“Freak me out?” Hide chuckled in his ear, “do you even know who I am? It takes a whole lot to do that.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, my band is <em> a lot</em>,” he groaned and brought his hands up to rub his eyes. </p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be fine. C’mon, go, go, go,” he encouraged Kaneki with his whispered chanting, pushing against his lower back so he was a little closer to the door. </p><p>Kaneki felt queasy, like he was bringing home a new boyfriend to have dinner with his family, and it made his palms sweat.</p><p>He took a deep breath and gingerly reached out for the doorknob, not even getting a chance to twist it before the door swung open at a speed he could only describe as ghoulish, and he nearly jumped a foot in the air.</p><p>“Boo!” the person shouted and jumped forward, face hidden behind a mask he definitely wasn’t familiar with, blacked out eyes and sharp teeth. Kaneki yelped and fell back against Hide, and in a fit of laughter, his boyfriend almost dropped him. Typical. </p><p>Kaneki growled out of frustration and put a steadying hand on his chest. “Don’t do that!”</p><p>The person at the door continued laughing at him as they reached up to take the mask off, the markings on their hands catching Kaneki’s attention. Ah, of course that’s who it was. </p><p>“After all these years, you’re still a scaredy cat,” Uta smirked, mask pressed fondly against his chest, “ah! You brought the boyfriend too!” </p><p>Kaneki opened his mouth to speak, but, as if reading his mind, Hide spoke for him. “My name’s Hide!” he said with a wide grin and a wave.</p><p><br/>“Hide,” Uta repeated with an amused smile, “yeah, we hear that name plenty around here now. Nice to finally meet the bright man Kaneki never shuts up about. You know he even texts the group chat about you too? Just spews lovey-dovey nonsense.”</p><p>So their plan to embarrass him as much as possible was already in effect.</p><p>Hide’s eyes lit up as he gasped, then pinched Kaneki’s cheek. “You talk about <em> meeeee</em>? How cute!”</p><p>“Stop,” Kaneki whined pathetically, “what did you want to tell us?”</p><p>“You’re gonna have to come in to find out.” Uta leaned against the door frame and raised an eyebrow at Hide. “You ready to meet the glorious fambam?”</p><p>“<em>Duh! </em>” Hide exclaimed, grasping onto Kaneki’s hand, “well ... Ready as I’ll ever be to meet the rest of the coolest band of all fucking time.”</p><p>Kaneki was always confused when Hide said things like that. Of course Kaneki thought their band was decent, and their music meant a lot to him personally, but he didn’t think they were anything <em> amazing </em>... It was still sweet though, and he had to suppress a smile every time Hide said it. </p><p>Uta barked out a laugh. “Don’t tell Tsukiyama that. You’ll inflate his already massive ego.”</p><p>“Don’t tell me <em> what</em>?” he heard from further inside the apartment. Kaneki sighed.</p><p>Uta gave him a knowing smile and shuffled back, opening the door further with an arm out as he invited them in. </p><p>“I’ve always wondered, is Tsukiyama the same offstage?” Hide inquired as he stepped past the threshold, and Uta closed the door behind them. </p><p>“He’s-” Uta started.</p><p>“Worse in person,” Kaneki finished. </p><p>And right on cue, Tsukiyama magically appeared before them, popping around the corner to the entrance like he’d been summoned, purple suit and all. Kaneki would never understand why he insisted on dressing up even on their days off. </p><p>Tsukiyama greeted them with a charming smile. “<em>Bonjour, ravi de vous rencontrer! </em>We’ve all heard so much about you. May I gift thee a sunflower?” He held out the hand he had hidden behind his back.</p><p>Kaneki’s shoulders sagged in annoyance and Hide’s face reddened slightly as he plucked the flower from the singer’s hand. Kaneki not-so-inconspicuously kicked him right in the shin. </p><p>“Ow!” Tsukiyama hissed and brought his thigh up to his stomach to caress his leg, clumsily hopping around on one foot while Uta laughed, “I don’t remember your shoes being so <em> pointy</em>.”</p><p>“Stop trying to woo my boyfriend,” Kaneki frowned. He was well aware he was starting to look like an asshole, but whatever, he was feeling <em> overwhelmed</em>!</p><p>“Kaneki!” Hide chided and punched his arm, “he’s just being nice.” </p><p>Tsukiyama put his leg down at that, a triumphant grin plastered across his face. “Yes, Kaneki, see ... I’m just being <em> nice</em>!” </p><p>“And annoying.”</p><p>“But that’s nothing new,” Uta added.</p><p>It definitely wasn’t.</p><p>Hide bounced on his feet excitedly throughout the interaction. “I want to know the special band news already!” </p><p>Kaneki felt himself relax a little as he remembered why they were there in the first place. Right, band meeting. News. Whether it was good or bad, he had no clue -- Uta refused to tell them anything until they were all there -- and now he was suddenly nervous for a completely different reason. </p><p>“Yeah, what’s this all about?” Kaneki asked curiously, “you’ve never had us meet up for stuff like this.”</p><p>Uta smirked and crossed his arms. “This time’s a little different.” </p><p>Kaneki’s frown deepened. He didn’t know what that could mean. Was someone leaving the band? His stomach twisted at the thought; he really hoped that wasn’t it. They may have gotten on each other's nerves, but they were still a perfect fit, and if any of them left, well ... Kaneki might just have to leave too. </p><p>“Come, children, come,” Uta beckoned them forward with a wave of his hand, leading the three of them into the living room.</p><p>The place looked like it’d been cleaned, so that was a plus. He mentally thanked his band for tidying up before they came over, so his boyfriend didn’t think he was living in a total pigsty. Banjou was watching the TV with a bored look on his face as Hinami channel surfed, and Ayato sat right next to them on the couch, playing aimlessly with his phone. </p><p>Kaneki nudged Hide with his hip and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze when he felt him tense up a bit. Meeting the members of a band you love could be nerve-racking enough, but those same band members also being what your boyfriend considers family must make it that much more terrifying. </p><p>Banjou looked away from the screen once he heard their footsteps, his eyes widening in surprise before he smiled politely. “Hey, it’s the boyfriend!”</p><p>“My name’s Hide!” he replied cheerfully, again, and Kaneki couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out. So Hide wasn’t <em> that </em>nervous, apparently. </p><p>Hinami dropped the remote and perked up, swiftly turning to face them. “Wow, you’re actually real!” she chirped, grinning ear to ear, “ooooh, Kaneki was right, you <em> do </em>look like a sunflower!” </p><p>God, why couldn’t this band meeting happen over text -- <em> why</em>? Kaneki whined and pressed his face into Hide’s arm. </p><p>“So that’s what the flower was all about,” Hide laughed and elbowed his side.</p><p>Kaneki grunted a reply and pulled away, chancing a glance over to Ayato and bracing himself for the worst. Ayato just looked Hide up and down and shrugged, giving a ‘<em>hmph </em>’ before going back to his phone.</p><p>Kaneki had to hold in a sigh of relief. Hide didn’t seem too bothered.</p><p>“Alright, alright, sit down wherever.” Uta stopped and pursed his lips for a second, cocking his head to the side. “Wait this is your house, why am I telling you what to do?” and then he gave Kaneki a light shove towards the couch. </p><p>Once they were all seated, Kaneki couldn’t help but feel like he was about to be lectured by a teacher; all nervous eyes glued to Uta as he tapped his foot, preparing his speech. He could practically feel his band mates squirming next to him in anticipation. </p><p>Uta paced around for a moment before turning his head to them and flashing a smile, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. “So, Beyond Cannibal’s gotten pretty popular recently, huh?”</p><p>The band shot each other confused glances before humming in agreement. They had gained some popularity in the last few months; it seemed like the tour around Japan helped spread the word about them like they’d hoped. </p><p>The amount of streams on audio posts they’d uploaded to various music sites were going up at a rate faster than they were used to, and sales on their previous albums were increasing a little too. Though not by much, people don’t buy physical copies as often nowadays. </p><p>Kaneki still couldn’t figure out why he was bringing that up though ... Did Uta just want to let them know something they were already aware of? Did he want them to promote their new album more than they had their previous works, now that they had more eyes on them? Kaneki was lost.</p><p>“Go on,” Banjou pushed, eyes narrowing. </p><p>“Hey!” Uta snapped his fingers. “Have any of you been outside of Japan before?” he asked, the question seemingly random. </p><p>Ayato put his head back on the couch and groaned. “Can you quit it with the fucking games and get to the point already.”</p><p>“Yeah Uta, you’re making us antsy,” Tsukiyama gushed, clearly appreciating the theatrics -- unlike some people. </p><p>“Answer my question,” Uta demanded, and his smile didn’t waver in the slightest. Whatever announcement he was hiding, he was obviously thrilled about it.</p><p>A lazy chorus of no’s and one yes (from Tsukiyama, of course) responded to him, all of them waiting for Uta to get on with it.</p><p>“Well then it seems like most of you are in for a treat, because I think it’s about time Cannibal’s presence was pushed a little further.” </p><p>Hide’s head snapped up, and he reached over to grip Kaneki’s arm. Kaneki frowned in confusion and turned to him; Hide was staring back with a look that told him he knew exactly what was going on now, his eyes full of glee. Kaneki was still lagging behind. </p><p>Hinami twirled her hair around her finger as she pondered the statement in her head. “I don’t think any of us are following.”</p><p>“You guys!” Uta threw his hands in the air. “We’re doing a tour overseas!”</p><p>The room broke out in an eruption of sound, spluttering and confused shouts filling the air. </p><p><em> Overseas</em>? Kaneki was sure his ears weren’t working correctly. They were touring outside of the country? Why? Were fans asking for that? Did they have that many fans outside of Japan? Could they afford it? When were they leaving? Where were they going?</p><p>Kaneki turned into a stammering idiot when he tried to voice any of these questions though, so he decided to just shut his mouth and let Uta explain it instead. </p><p>“What the hell do you mean we’re going <em> overseas</em>?” Ayato questioned. He wasn’t buying it. </p><p>“Seems like the tour around Japan helped a lot more than we thought it would, and people in the states are getting awfully excited about the new album. I worked with the guys that drove around with me last tour, and we built up a little team to help get this going. Have you guys checked <em> any </em>of the articles or comments about yourselves? You’re blowin’ up.”</p><p>They all sat back in a stunned silence. Okay, so they were really doing this. This was really happening. Kaneki had never actually taken the time to look up his own band, out of fear of stumbling upon articles from so-called ‘critics’ trashing them over some concert review, or … finding ugly photos of himself on stage. He just tried to avoid doing it at all costs. </p><p>So he really had no clue just how much their music was liked in other places. He didn’t even bother to check, just assumed they would be stuck in their Tokyo bubble forever. </p><p>“This is the coolest thing ever, oh my god!” Hide shouted and bounced in his seat, “you guys are like … totally fuckin’ famous now! This is crazy!”</p><p>Kaneki scoffed and rolled his eyes, playfully hitting Hide’s arm. “It’s not like we’re <em> stars </em>or anything, just for doing a few shows in the states.”</p><p>“You need to give yourself more credit,” Uta stressed, “people really like you guys ... Anyways, I got in touch with a company that helps out first time touring bands, so we won’t be too tight on money. Though if we are, I’ll make sure we just dip into whatever that fucker has stashed away.” He pointed a finger at Tsukiyama. The frontman smiled back sweetly. </p><p>“I already got most of the plane tickets lined up too, and I got other people in charge of things I don’t think I could handle all by my lonesome ... So, I think we’re set. It won’t be anything massive. We got about fifteen to twenty shows planned around the U.S.” </p><p>Uta gave them another moment of silence to let it all set in. That was an overwhelming amount of information that Kaneki <em> never </em>thought he’d hear, at least not this soon. </p><p>“This is all happening so fast,” Banjou pointed out (saying what they were all thinking), “how is this happening so fast?” he repeated.</p><p>Uta shrugged. “Guess America has a sudden increase in demand for freaks in black skinny jeans?” That made the most sense to Kaneki. </p><p>“And when did you turn into our manager?” Ayato nagged. He always had to find a reason to be negative, didn’t he? </p><p>Uta gave an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know! When it was clear you were all blind to the size of your audience, and weren’t gonna get anything done with the business side of things. So I just took it upon myself ... You done with the questions?”</p><p>Hinami gasped. “Can we see the Hollywood sign while we’re there?!”</p><p>They all <em> oooh</em>’d at that, Kaneki included. He’d never been to America before, but he’d heard a lot about Hollywood -- the sign specifically, for whatever reason. </p><p>“I doubt you’ll have the energy to go sightseeing once you’re there,” he reasoned, “ ... But we’ll see.” Hinami seemed fine with that. </p><p>“Oh, and before I forget.” Uta reached into his pocket and threw a small plastic bottle at Kaneki, hoping he would catch it, but it just knocked him in the chest instead. Kaneki flinched and groaned as it hit him.</p><p>“What are these?” Hide asked, swiping it before Kaneki could get his hands on the bottle. He squinted inside and shook it noisily. They were pills. </p><p>“Those’ll help mellow out your RC levels a bit. All of you -- well, not you -- need to take one the morning we head to the airport. That way you don’t have to worry about getting killed at security the second you step through those damn scanners ... But they might make you kinda loopy,” Uta explained. </p><p>Hide handed the bottle over for Kaneki to inspect them some more. They were unmarked, blue capsules about the size of the pad of his thumb. </p><p>Kaneki appreciated it, he wouldn’t have even thought about RC scanners being implemented in airports now, but he still felt a bit on edge about taking them. Lowered RC levels meant that if something did go wrong, for whatever reason, they’d be too weak to defend themselves. </p><p>Uta seemed to sense he was going to say something and held a finger up to silence him. “I know what you’re thinking ... Shut up. You’ll be fine.”</p><p>Kaneki pouted and leaned further into the couch. Fine, he’d just ask more about it later. </p><p>“This is so exciting!” Hinami squealed. </p><p>“Yeah, it kinda is ... I’ve always wanted to go to America,” Ayato begrudgingly admitted.</p><p>Tsukiyama yawned and wiped away the nonexistent dirt on his suit. “It’s nothing special.” They all suppressed an eye roll. “It’ll be amazing to share our music with a new audience though.”</p><p>Kaneki hadn’t thought about that either. What would the crowds be like? Louder? Quieter? He had no idea what to expect, and he felt a subtle thrill rush through his body. It was like when he first joined the band all over again -- the intense feeling that came with throwing yourself into the unknown.</p><p>“Well!” Uta pulled his keys out of his pocket and swung them around on his finger as he made his way to the door. “I’m off. I’ll leave you here to talk amongst yourselves, because I gotta start packing. You do too!” </p><p>He opened the door. “We leave in a week!” he called, and then shut it behind him. </p><p>They all went quiet for a beat, and then broke into a chorus of conversation -- even Ayato, which was surprising. The other guitarist eagerly turned to face his band mates while Hide tugged Kaneki by the shirt in his direction. </p><p>If Hide smiled any bigger, Kaneki was sure his face would split wide open. His eyes flicked down to his boyfriend’s lips, not being able to help it, and leaned in for a quick peck. Hide didn’t have time to prepare though, so it was extra toothy. Gross.</p><p>“How do you feel?” Hide mumbled against his lips before bumping their noses together, then pulled back to look at him properly.</p><p>“I … don’t really know. Good? I haven’t totally processed it yet,” he breathed. Kaneki was sure it wouldn’t feel real until he was walking out on stage.</p><p>“You should feel good! You guys get to share your awesomeness live with even <em> more </em> people,” he gestured animatedly with his hands, “you should feel proud as hell too. Soon you’ll be touring <em> allllll </em>over the world.”</p><p>“I don’t know about that,” Kaneki snorted. It all depended on how well the U.S. tour went, then they could decide if even bigger things were in their future. But it didn’t matter anyways, Kaneki could be content with just this.</p><p>Hide moved forward and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek, making Ayato gag loudly and scoot away from the two. “Aw, c’mon! You’re goin’ places, baby!”</p><p>*</p><p>“You’re like an untrained puppy,” Kaneki deadpanned.</p><p>He told Hide it’d be fine for him to come over once he was off work, and the second his boyfriend showed up, he jumped straight onto the bed, effectively knocking over everything he’d folded and had ready to pack away. </p><p>Hide rolled onto his stomach and over a pile of Kaneki’s underwear, chin in his hands as he looked up at him. “Cause I’m cute n’ fun?”</p><p>“I was going to say because you get in the way, but sure,” Kaneki smirked and reached over to tug on a piece of his hair. </p><p>Hide wailed dramatically and flipped over onto his back, pushing Kaneki’s hand away. “I just rebleached my hair, my scalp is <em> sensitive</em>!”</p><p>“You’re such a baby.”</p><p>Hide tilted his head back. “Your baby?” he beamed. </p><p>Kaneki sighed loudly and shook his head with a smile, pulling a pair of pants out from under Hide’s head and refolding it before setting it in his suitcase. “Have you packed yet?”</p><p>He already knew the answer to that would be, ‘no, but I will soon!’, because … it was Hide. He had a habit of putting things off till the very last minute and it stressed Kaneki out to no end, but at least he always ended up getting things done on time. </p><p>The main reason Uta had invited Hide over to the band meeting at all was for something he forgot to even tell them, texting the group chat later that night once he remembered. They had enough money and room to bring a couple extra people if they wanted to, and Uta knew Kaneki would jump at the opportunity to make his boyfriend tag along, so he thought he’d mention it to him. </p><p>(<b>Uta: </b> <em> oh yeah, if any of you want to bring an extra person to the good ol’ u.s. of a, you can. i know kaneki might want to bring sunshine boy.  </em></p><p><b>Uta: </b> <em> ayato, you can bring your big sis too, if you want.  </em></p><p><b>Ayato:</b> <em> there is no way i’m bringing that raging bitch with me.  </em></p><p><b>Kaneki: </b> <em> awww, don’t be mean. she’s cool once you get to know her.  </em></p><p><b>Ayato: </b> <em> … i’ve known her since i was born ????? </em>)</p><p>“Nope!” he replied, like he took pride in his procrastination, “it’s fine though, I can just pack the night before.”</p><p>Kaneki snatched the shirt Hide was playing with in his hand. “The night<em> before </em> ...,” he drawled, “you know we have to be at the airport at like four in the morning, right? And that packing for a month-long trip in one night will not end well?”</p><p>“Don’t <em> stress</em>,” Hide urged, “I got this!”</p><p>“Okay, well, don’t cry to me when you end up packing all pants and no shirts, and not a single pair of matching socks,” Kaneki shrugged.</p><p>Hide scoffed and sat himself up on the bed. “Bold of you to assume I own more than one pair of pants.” </p><p>Kaneki giggled at that and continued refolding what Hide had messed up, trying his hardest to stay focused even as Hide got off the bed and sauntered over to him, wrapping his arms around Kaneki’s waist from behind.</p><p>He sighed contentedly as Hide gently swayed them side to side for a bit, humming along to some song he’s probably been obsessed with recently; Kaneki thinks he recognizes it. If he kept this up, Kaneki might even doze off where he’s standing, with Hide’s soft exhales tickling his skin.</p><p>The silence seemed to wrap around the two of them like a blanket, the shuffling of his roommates throughout the house and the ruffles of fabric in his bedroom the only sounds to be heard. </p><p>His breath hitched as Hide pressed his lips against Kaneki’s neck, teeth just barely grazing the skin, and pulled him closer.</p><p>“Hide,” he scolded, “I have things to do.” </p><p>“Yeah, and I have things<em> to do </em>too,” Hide chuckled.  </p><p>Kaneki blushed and momentarily squirmed in his arms. “If I don’t pack now, I’ll freak out later. I’m not you, I can’t just put it off forever.”</p><p>Hide whined against his neck, the vibration making him shiver. “Let me <em> loveeee youuuu</em>.” </p><p>Kaneki rolled his eyes amusedly and continued folding, relishing in the soft kisses against his neck and the gentle touches tracing along his stomach. Goosebumps erupted over his skin as he tried to ignore the way Hide was pressing himself against his back, but it was proving difficult, and Kaneki’s heart thumped pleasantly in his chest.</p><p>“I have an idea,” Kaneki said, a lightbulb going off in his head.</p><p>Hide hummed.</p><p>Kaneki turned his head then, his nose brushing against Hide’s and their breaths skating across each other’s faces. His idea seemed to leave him for a second, but it came back eventually. </p><p>“Oh, I’m liking this idea so far,” Hide smirked. Kaneki could feel the tug of his lips against his own. </p><p>He smiled warmly and brought a hand up to run it through Hide’s hair, the other giving an encouraging sigh. “Yeah?” </p><p>But just as Hide moved forward to kiss him, Kaneki reached down on the bed for a pair of his underwear, and tugged them right over Hide’s head. </p><p>*</p><p>So it turns out when Uta explained how the pills would affect them, ‘loopy’ was a total understatement. </p><p>Kaneki could barely tell his lefts from his rights, was more nauseous than he'd ever felt before, and was convinced there was some sort of force pulling him forward and urging him to fall directly out of his chair and onto the floor.</p><p>They’d gotten there about an hour early, the city still pitch black outside as they made their trip to the airport, and for a minute, Kaneki thought he’d be fine. Maybe side effects weren’t guaranteed and Uta had only warned them just in case, but <em> no</em>. </p><p>On top of a million suitcases full of tacky stage outfits and makeup, they also had to bring all of their music gear, which meant an awfully embarrassing -- way too long -- interaction with security was guaranteed; all while Kaneki’s sentences made close to no sense and he was seeing three of everything he looked at. </p><p>Hide was cackling from afar, watching the mess unfold after he’d passed smoothly through every detector and waited for his boyfriend on the other side -- lucky bastard. </p><p>Afterwards Kaneki practically collapsed in Hide’s arms, whining about how life is so hard, and asked him if he’d get mad if Kaneki were to puke all over his shirt. Hide backed away from him real quick after that. </p><p>Now Kaneki and the rest were waiting at the gate to board their plane, each dealing with their suffering in their own way, with about half an hour to spare. </p><p>Ayato was wrapped up in Hinami’s pink blanket while wearing the biggest sunglasses Kaneki had ever seen as he simply tried to ignore the world, and Uta was doing much of the same in his own pair of ugly sunglasses too. Banjou was, somehow, wandering around various gift shops while Tsukiyama and Hinami were … somewhere? Kaneki honestly had no clue. He didn’t really care, and <em> oh god</em>, he might actually throw up all over Hide.</p><p>But he was sitting so happily next to Kaneki, so he’d try not to. He was watching some show on his phone with those obnoxious headphones over his ears, swinging his legs back and forth in his seat. Kaneki desperately wished he could feel that peaceful right now.</p><p>He groaned and turned his head to the side. “How long do these effects last? I feel like we seem suspicious enough acting the way we are now,” he mumbled to Uta, not entirely sure if his sentences came out even half as well structured as they sounded in his head.</p><p>“They probably think we’re on a bunch of Xanax or something, and just nervous for a plane ride,” Uta shrugged, “should only last a couple more hours. Take a nap.”</p><p>“A couple of <em> hours</em>?” he complained. There was no way he could even handle this for another ten minutes, god forbid two <em> hours</em>. It wasn’t even just the nausea that was bothering him at this point, Kaneki just hated not feeling in control of his own body.</p><p>Uta gave him a sympathetic look over his glasses. “Just something you have to get used to. You seein’ doubles too? Wave your hand in front of your face for a little while to keep yourself entertained.” </p><p>Kaneki sighed. That was the last thing he wanted to do. </p><p>He groggily turned his head to the other side; now it was Hide’s turn to be annoyed by his miserable self. </p><p>Kaneki tugged on his sleeve and Hide jumped at the feeling, apparently too enthralled with his show to even remember where he was. He pushed his headphones off and looked down at Kaneki with a grin, but it quickly morphed into worried puppy dog eyes and a pout instead. Kaneki gave him a lazy smile in return, eyes half closed. </p><p>“You okay?” he asked, brushing the back of his hand against Kaneki’s cheek. </p><p>“I think …” Kaneki slid down in his seat. “If I had agreed to smoke weed in high school, this is exactly how I would’ve felt.”</p><p>“Yeah, you look a lot like I used to back then,” Hide laughed.</p><p>Kaneki huffed, the movement making his head spin, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Of course you were a stoner in high school.” </p><p>“Hey!” he scolded, “I wasn’t a <em> stoner</em>. I just smoked … often.”</p><p>“Mhm, sure.”</p><p>Hide stuck his tongue out at him, and before Kaneki could protest, Hide put his hands under Kaneki’s arms and lifted him up a bit, maneuvering him in his seat so Kaneki could rest against him.</p><p>Okay ... Maybe he could handle feeling terrible as long as he was leaning against Hide at all times. This was nice. </p><p>He wrapped his arms around Kaneki and Kaneki wrapped his around Hide’s middle, snuggling his face against his chest as he let his eyes fall shut and inhaled deeply, breathing in the calming scent of laundry detergent and Hide’s cologne. Kaneki honestly felt like he could stay there forever. </p><p>“Don’t get too comfy,” Hide warned, carefully stroking Kaneki’s hair, “we gotta board pretty soon.”</p><p>Kaneki <em> hmmm</em>’d noncommittally. </p><p>“Speaking of … Where’s the rest of the crew?” Hide wondered.</p><p>Kaneki tried to think of where they could possibly be, or if they even told him where they were going at all as his brain worked <em> very </em>slowly -- but his thoughts were cut off by a shriek. </p><p>He jumped and cracked an eye open, trying to find the source of the sound, and frowned once he located it.</p><p>So the pills had different effects on people, apparently.</p><p>Near the gate, Hinami was riding around at the speed of light on a luggage carrier like a scooter, with Tsukiyama sitting on it cross legged and clinging to Hinami’s legs for dear life, squealing as she zoomed through the airport. </p><p>Passersby gave them disapproving looks as the two flew past them, spinning in circles and sliding across the floor like the shittiest race car drivers. When the carrier inevitably broke, Kaneki was definitely forcing Tsukiyama to pay for it. </p><p>He could feel Hide shaking as he held in his laughter, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. Kaneki sat up slightly to look at Ayato, to see if he was even paying attention to the chaos in front of them. He just flipped Kaneki off and pulled the blanket tighter around himself, his glasses slowly sliding down his nose. </p><p>At least the other two were having a good time.</p><p>“This is gonna be the longest flight ever,” Hide said.</p><p>“Tell me about it.”</p><p>*</p><p>The screams of the crowd filled his ears in a way that was so comfortingly familiar, yet so new and exhilarating he couldn’t stop the tear that slid down his cheek as he stared out into the audience. </p><p>The audience that was there just for <em> them </em> … To hear the music they’d poured their souls into, and to listen to everything they had to say -- to release the same emotions that resided inside the band right in front of them. In a completely different country, on a stage so new, and this was their biggest audience yet.  </p><p>His heart pounded, the sound nearly overriding Ayato’s guitar and Tsukiyama’s vocals in his ear piece as he waited for the lights to change, the cue for the next song. </p><p>He breathed heavily and glanced down the stage, Hinami catching his eye and giving him a thumbs up from where she stood in front of the drum set, and then he whipped around to stare at the balcony seats.</p><p>There stood Hide, an ant sized tuft of yellow hair resting his elbows on the railing and staring down at the stage, and he was looking right at Kaneki. His figure seemed so small from where Kaneki stood, yet he knew Hide's gaze was full of nothing but love and adoration. He could <em> feel </em>it, as another tear slid down his cheek.</p><p>His hands moved to the opening chord of the next song as the lights flashed to red, the crowd screaming impossibly louder, and his heart soared. </p><p><em> If I were to die right now</em>, Kaneki thought, <em> I’d die the happiest man alive</em>.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The end! Not super plotty or anything, I know, but I just needed to write a super self-indulgent band!fic the second I finished watching / reading TG (even though the fandom seems to be dying ;__;)!</p><p>I got 'Beyond Cannibal' my first try using a band name generator, and I thought it was fitting so I went with it lol ... Also, just to clarify, Kaneki was never tortured by Yamori here. He just has white hair because I loved it on him so much! Lets just assume once he was turned into a ghoul, his hair changed for some reason lmao.</p><p>Okay, that's all ... <b>Comments &amp; kudos are greatly appreciated!</b></p></blockquote></div></div>
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